Create An Open Mind

Mr. Pete Christensen

2011-02-09T18:38:00.001-08:00

Tonight, I want to talk about something that is dear to my heart. I have been thinking things over many nights and days- and I feel like it is appropriate for me to share some thoughts about my Grandpa. He has been very sick for the past several months. I have been there for countless hours at his bedside or hospital bed. For some reason, today I kept having the thought that I needed to write down the memories as they poured from my head. I had spent a lifetime knowing and loving this man- and I needed to find a way to record his memory forever.

Last night, I sat with him. Each week, I go over at the same time to be with him so my grandma has some help. We usually work on getting him ready for bed. The hardest task is to get him to swallow his pills. He often throws them back up- that was when I realized I was ready to be a mom. I wasn't grossed out enough to stop helping, rather I was more worried about him. The tasks hardest for me is helping, I am so weak it seems. He can't hardly walk any more, so any sitting up, standing up, or just moving has to be supported by my little arms. I feel the muscles ache in my back as I strain to hold him still.

In any case, as I was there sitting with him, I flipped though an old book of pictures. I had almost forgotten what it looked like when he had a smile on his face. He used to laugh and joke with me, always wanting me to feel welcome down there. I remember we would visit in the summer time and he would go with my siblings out to the field to pick a fresh vegetable to eat. He would always tell us about his days growing up. His skin was always warm from the sun, tanned, and covered in freckles. There were many times I remember him having skin cancer- but that is because he loved the outdoors. I remember rows of corn and fresh peas. I remember sitting with him under the apple trees in the yard.

There was an old post, by his car, that we used as base during tag games. He helped me and my older sister find random things to do while the grown ups visited indoors. He was excited for me, when I found a rotted golf ball, that soon became a bouncy ball. I remember his yard, very green and cared for.

I remember going over there when he was working in the garage. I still remember that musty oil smell. When the kids played in the basement, he taught us how to play pool and work his old TV set.

His eyes are warm little green olives. He had a smile that was warm and full of laughter. His voice rang out in a deep song, he loved to sing. He would come attend birthday parties and I recall him and my other Grandpa singing as loud and off key as they could. His house was full of love and cookies. He always came to support me in whatever I did. I remember him being there for dance recitals, class plays, and graduation.

As time wore on, his body was wearing out. But he came to my college graduation dinner. I remember him being thrilled with how wonderful the deserts were. And at the end of the night, I remember how sweet his embrace was. He always gave warm hugs when it was time to leave and he laughed just like my dad. He always reminded me of my dad. Always made me think that surely all men were so sweet.

As time wears short, I want to remember the little things. As he grows older, it becomes much more difficult to speak He doesn't have full control of his body; but his mind is in perfect control. His eyes convey a sense of knowing. I have spoken to him and talked with him several weeks where I knew he understood. One particular day, I left feeling rather disheveled, he looked so fragile. I turned and said, "I love you grandpa"- simple words I uttered each time I saw him. But this time, he turned to me and his eyes held me still. I waited. After a few minutes of his eyes staying steady and focused, he said to me, "I love you too". It was mumbled and deep, but I knew what he said. I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze and left. I walked out to my car in tears.

Life is very precious gift. Family is even more so. I look at mine and realize how lucky I really am. I look at his life and all the things he taught me. I pray for his health and realize how selfish it is. But I know how crucial he was to me, and the many his life touched. He served two missions with my grandma- and I think the world is better for him being here. I think the world of him and hope the day never comes that he has left.

I love him.

Just Breathe

2011-01-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

During the winter months, I find it hard to draw in a breath of frozen air. There is something about the way that it chills my lungs that I just detest. I have spent a few nights hiding behind my windows cowering from the cold weather. Last night, I stood outside in 9 degrees wondering what would possess my little mind to think that fresh air would do me good.

Today I have wondered why there is no solution. Why there is no cure. Why my heart beats so quickly and yet feels so slow. Time is dragging, could I really wait one more day.

Cheers for the next time and the next words.

Atonement

2010-12-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

So today while I was re-reading a section from Preach My Gospel about the Atonement, I came across this amazing sentence that made my heart warm. It reads, "We will have a perfect, immortal body of flesh and bones that will never again be subject to disease, pain, or death". I have always made the connotation of pain with sickness, broken bones and such. But today I realized that it also included heartache. It included the little parts of your life that you look at and are shamed. It included the parts of this life that you wish you could forget-- it takes those feelings away.
As I read on, I realized that repentance is a huge part of life, it really is a "continuing" process. We must push forward in our life and try to make the best of the trials we are given. There are many from whom we can draw strength, and prayer is a huge part of that. We need to be asking for his help, or rather I do. I find myself making prayer a more regular part of my life as small bouts of heartburn set in. Life is what it is, there is a plan, and eternity is possible.

Moments of Strength

2010-12-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

I have moments where I have a clear focus on the future. I want nothing more than to find someone to be sealed to for time and eternity. There are moments where the goal seems so close to my grasp. I want to build an eternal family, I want to be a wonderful wife and caring mother. I have friends on the sidelines who assure me I can- I look at them in moments of weakness when I feel like I will never get there. There is no doubt that I can do this; but I can't figure out how to make the world roll faster. To make my dreams come true.

Tonight while I miss him, I wrap my fingers around my scriptures. I pray for an answer to come out of the pages and make it easier. I keep hoping that after a sincere prayer, I will understand my path in life. But the fact is that I will recover in time, it won't be instant. I just can't imagine a life without that love I have in my heart, but I know that Heavenly Father is there to watch out for me. I keep asking for his help.

In moments of weakness, I find moments of strength. I will continue to pray for a better tomorrow. I know that day will come.

Pushing Laps

2010-12-14T20:20:00.001-08:00

Round and round the world turns,
Watching and feeling.
More and more the stories go,
Hoping for help and understanding.

Signs point clear,
But the mess keeps coming.
Broken limbs on a pine tree,
Needles scattered on the floor.

Some days it is easy,
Breathing in and out again.
Today I watch the window,
Over and pass, under again.

Today I wonder.
Tomorrow a wish.
Live in my world,
Nothing shatters a hope of eternity.

HeartBurn

2010-12-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

There is nothing more uncomfortable or more unsettling then the pain of a sinking heart. You know those moments where you feel like your heart, head, and surely your entire body must be burning? It isn't just because of spicy pizza... in fact it didn't have anything to do with what you ate. It was simply a thought caught in your mind, troubling your heart, and ripping apart your stomach. You sink into your seat, demanding your lungs to keep breathing. Its like being drown in an ocean of fire, the way it stings your throat and makes your head reel.

How can it hurt this bad when I know better? How can thoughts of later still linger after days? I keep pushing for solitude and silence, but still my heart beats against my chest. In hopes the pain will cease, I fill my mind with icy pictures that would chill my heart. The fact still remains, it burns and aches. There is a dull hollow area where a piece of my heart once was. I wonder how many pieces of this little muscle are scatter around the world.

I look up to the heavens and mutter eternity. I focus on this goal, but sometimes the distance is far and dark. There is no light at the end of the tunnel some moments, there is no peace from this burning heart. Walking forward into the dark, I hope to find a hand to hold and maybe help me though the rest.

Up Hill

2010-12-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

At work, we started a competition of completing the whole month's work in the first two weeks. Genius? Maybe a little, if I can push hard in 14 days, then I can rest for the rest. I was smiling this morning when I found out I am in the lead with 30% done. I can hardly wait for the 15th of December to roll around. I just had to smile and think of a friend who completes 80 calls a day without breaking a sweat. It amazes me when I am pushing so hard to do 30.

Here is my wishes of luck on the job interview. I hope you get the promotion friend!

Mountain Dew and Boats Ahoy

2010-12-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

It was a long day of work. I have a lot of tasks moving at once and it was making it hard to accomplish anything. One definite downside to the whole female thing... is the fact that my mind can focus on more than one thing at a time. I was so grateful when one of my co-workers picked up my jacket and offered it to me. I quickly slipped my arms into the sleeves and sauntered over to the door following in their steps. We did laps around the building to keep our bodies warm; talking about the boat. I am not alone in the boat and I know that. There is something so great about the talks. Something that makes the rest of the day okay-ish. Today as I talked with him about the girl he loves, I started to tear up. When he turned and saw my moist eyes, he reached out and held me for a second. There was an understanding in his gaze and that was all that was said. We quickly moved onto caffeine to ease my work load. I quickly started marking tasks done and all that I needed was a few laps in the cold.

Some thing he said is right- If I focus on the little moments, the good things, and the many blessings in my life, everything that seems hard will fade to the background. I won't have to worry about my work, I won't have to worry where I stand; I will see the good and that will be enough. So for now, I am going to remember my blessings each day out loud.

Blizzards

2010-11-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

So on my way home from Vegas yesterday I got caught in a Blizzard outside of Bever. I was sitting there in the snow for 2 hours just watching the snow come down. At first, I thought it was somthing simple, just a few semi's needing their chains on... that was the frist 45 minutes. But after 2 ambulences and 6 police... I realized there must be more. I walked up to the semi in front of me, to find out what he knew. There was a 25 car pile up just 2 miles ahead of me. If I hadn't stopped a Jack in the Box... I wonder if I would have been in that crowd. I was glad that I had some peace and quiet, a few hours to sit and play in my car. I got to visit with a few Truck Drivers and play in the snow. I watched all the mini vans take their kids over to the bushes to pee. I was happy for the time to be still. I even got out a book and started reading. A few pictures were taken... mostly of my face. When we started driving, I was shaking, I hate driving in the snow!!!

I was praying that it would clear up fast! My wish was granted in about Fillmore, until just past Nephi. My tactic of staying close behind trucks worked great for most of the rest of the canyon. I almost started crying at the sight of an unplowed road coming around the bend of Payson. I slowed down to 40, but even then I was having a hard time keeping control. A 6 hour dive quickly turned into 8.

Now home and a few hours later, I am glad I made it. I think I will need a couple weeks before I venture South again, or at least won't be traveling on such a stormy weekend.

My thoughts and prayers are with those who were just a few miles ahead of me.

Look Back @ October

2010-10-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

So today I finalized the promotion, as in the paperwork was all signed. I got the position I have been working at over these last few months. And as I have worked, I have learned so much! I am so excited. I am going to keep rocking this! I am going to knock this new job out of the park. I am working fast, gaining speed, and you are going to see me do amazing things! This basically is the position I wanted after I graduated about 10 months ago-- its just a different name. I can't believe how quickly time has flown.

I just thought I would share what has been going on... because lets face it, this is a great new part of my life. At graduation, I spoke with my mentor Doug McKinley. He told me that I should look to be an Account Executive for an Agency. I dedicated myself to learning the skills of the trade. And that is exactly what I am going to be doing. I work with my company and manage the relationships with those who hire us. I manage the way that our company is viewed and fulfill on the needs of clients and Account Managers. I am so excited, this is so perfect!

This month has been amazing. Its been full of some crazy hard times, a few insanely sad, and an unthinkable amount of great things that really make life worth it. At work, I was recognized for top Client Care Specialist of the month. I was so excited! That day was also followed by a cupcake for the October birthdays. And in case you were wondering, it was delicious! As were the fall types of muffins for Muffin Wednesdays. I am obsessed with the Pumpkin Chocolate Chip.

My birthday was great! I was a little freaked out for one higher number on my id... but when it came time to turn 23, I was definitely okay. I woke up absolutely sick that day, but after a few hours of morning cartoons, I was on my feet and ready to get this year started! I am aging wonderfully, and moving places in this world. I have dedicated myself to pushing my plan ahead. I had a chat with my Bishop- and he encouraged this. He told me to set a plan into motion and really start going after my dreams and goals. And without a moments thought, it just started moving with me!

I have seen such value in life. I can't believe all the amazing things that are falling all around me. I am thankful to the hands who have pulled me along, for the many words of comfort, and for the many smiles and cheers along the way. I believe in myself and the power of my dreams. I see now that things that seem impossible for just a second can be achieved just minutes later.

Life is only as complicated as we make it or allow it to be. When we set our sights for things we can achieve, there is no stopping us. I have my same goals and dreams, I still will always want things in my little heart and now I see that so long as I dream it, it really can be mine.

Love and Peace!

Month is up

2010-10-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

The month is up. I am finally "okay"... willing to accept that my future might not be what I wanted. But damn for those dreams still hiding in the closet. I hate it. I need all the thoughts, images, wishes, and old memories to go away and fast. I need for my mind to rest on what I can have and not dwell on what isn't mine.

I feel like a little penguin. I have the wings... but flight is never going to happen. I hate it. Detest it. I loathe the wings on my sides wishing that somehow each time I try to spread my wings and try, something miraculous would happen. But alas, that is not what my wings were made for. Instead, I need to focus on the ground. Because that is where I am going to have to dwell.

Its that time of year

2010-10-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

My friend at work usually asks if I will take a walk around the building in the morning. Lately its been really chilly, but there is that smell in the air that makes it worth the goosebumps! We walk for a few laps, venting, laughing, and I spend a good amount of time crunching leaves. Each little crisp noise beneath my feet makes me smile. I have to admit, that will never get old. Usually on the third lap, I find that I have crunched all the leaves on the ground, that is usually when I start to talk.

There is something about this time of year. I don't know if it is the smell of the air, the changing colors of the trees, or just the fact that sweaters are now appropriate--- but I love this time of year. From the pumpkin cookies, to the excuse to wear thick designer tights. I enjoy every second of it. It changes something in my little heart.

I take occasional drives up the canyon just to see the colors. I love driving down roads with the tall trees on either side, because the leaves gently float down to the road. Its magical! Its fall!

There is no other way to express this little passion of mine. I love this time of year, it makes me so happy, so excited about life. I know that the snow will soon come, and I dread that moment. But for now, it is fall. It is that time of year of overloading on chocolates and worrying about what to be for Halloween. I love this time of year. I love everything it brings. Some day, I will sleep curled up in bed with my hubby and just listen to the cool breeze shake the dying leaves. There is nothing warmer than that thought- cold nights to share with a warm body. Watching scary movies and never having to hide a baseball bat in my covers with me. Fall is magical, and its appeal grows more and more as the years go by.

Deadlines and Time Frames

2010-09-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Would you rather be asked to do chores for one month or forever?

If you are like me, you pick the month! Anything that needs doing, can be done right in one month. I will work harder knowing that one month can fly by... an eternity, will crawl.

Days have been moving slower, at the stroke of each hour, I look at the clock in dismay. Has it really only been one more hour? I feel like my days have dragged on. I feel like time just crawls slower than the snail I race it against. But there is a small light... a deadline if you will.

One month- to hope, dream, and carry on. To fulfill on promises and learn and grow. A friend reminded me, that we never can stop our hearts from loving... or caring rather.... But I am determined that a flame can't go out unless you let it.

One month to keep it alive.

Time Flies

2010-09-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today I opened my planner and wanted to faint. Where has all the time gone?! What happened to the blissful days of summer? Is it really nearing another Halloween? I just sit there amazed at how life really passes so quickly by. I thumbed though the pages and reminisced over the wonderful days this year- Stopping at the days colored with my ink stains. I smiled at the new job, wondering how I have almost been there for 7 months. I smiled at the birthdays and the memories of outings. I noted at the bottom of every weekend, there seemed to be a wedding that I attended or missed. I can't believe that in a few short weeks, another friend will be married. How quickly life speeds us along.

I think took a few seconds to marvel that while life passes by, each moment can be savored. Tonight, I sat in the quiet hot tub at my complex and just got to think alone. I listened to some kids playing in the distance. Each day when you were young felt like an eternity. Each game or activity was endless- but somehow we cross into the realm of adulthood. I don't quiet know when it happens, but suddenly the wonderful long summer days are just short and spent indoors; usually in an office. I think though, of the nights when I rest my head on my pillow and review though the day. It was a wonderful day, there were wonderful things that happened. Slow and surely things pass along, but I think they are supposed to-- but somehow it's our job to savor those little times that run along. Just like we enjoy the breezes that pass though our hair, or the water that trickles down a river... it is rare to find things that are lasting- but that is why we have forever.

Tale as old as time

2010-08-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

So tonight I got home from a long and stressful day. I went to zip into my parking space and almost his a white Nissan. I paused, and looked around... this was my spot. This was the 3rd time this week! I couldn't believe it... the spots are numbered, how could they not see that?! Okay, so people aren't the brightest... but when they did it the other day, I left a note on their car.

Now read this and tell me if it makes sense to you, "This is a reserved/assigned spot. Please park in the uncovered sections. Next time you will be towed. Thnxs".

Did you understand? If you answered no, then leave the blog- you should be reading books about Pam and Sam and Cats in Hats. But seriously. That was as plain and simple as I think I could have made it. I was livid. I thought about jumping out and keying their car. I was infuriated. Its my spot, has been for over a year and all the sudden out of nowhere this week, there are cars all the time in my spot.

Even now, as I write this post, I am thinking about going down to attack his car and smash in the windows. I am trying to remain seated and be distracted with Twitter and my blog (its not working so well). I just can't believe it. I am so mad I can't think straight. This guy knew better and still did it!

And let me say this for the reference, I usually am fairly calm. But for some reason this just pisses me off to no avail.

The Best Thing Thats Ever Been Mine

2010-08-28T08:52:00.001-07:00

1. The love of a family who would never leave me.
2. My little race bug Autumn.
3. The drive and need to be something, to do something.
4. My education and those who have helped me to learn.
5. A life rich of friends and people who matter in my mind.
6. A smile that changes every bad day of mine to something good.
7. Chloe- without her my life would remain silent.
8. Passion for love and the need to find something lasting.
9. A mind that loves to read the written word that so many have put into the world.
10. The hope of eternity.

A Clean Home

2010-08-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I am most grateful that my roommate has been gone for a few days. It took me a while to muster up the motivation to clean up after her, because it is so daunting, but I have finally done it. The house is restored to its original order and glory- aka, what happens when it is just me living here.

I mopped the floors by hand, after I swept of course. I did the dishes. I wiped down all the stainless steel surfaces. I carefully picked up the house. Vacuumed all the carpet. Dusted and Windexed the appropriate surfaces. I even picked up my room... which was daunting in and of itself.

I am happily sitting on the couch now, playing a little XBOX and not wondering when she will come blasting though the door. All I can hope is for another day of silence.

As a reward for my hard work, I went and got the new season of Dexter and The Last Song at Target. I am excited to watch both of those and think if the quiet house continues, that may be the activity I choose after church.

Basically what I am telling you, is that I am clean and my house is clean, and the world is right again!

Holiday Weekend

2010-07-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

It was a great weekend. If any reader feels anxiety or stress, the solution may be to escape for a while to the mountains. I have to admit, that I just enjoy being there with nothing to stress. I spend the day laying in the sun, riding 4 wheelers, and enjoying cat naps in the cabin. I enjoy this time away from the world.

This particular weekend was great. I went exploring and found a cool lake. It had a mommy duck in it with 5 little ducklets swimming behind her. I found a few new trails to play on, but most of them were dead ends- because they went straight down a cliff. I was playing in the hammock with the kids, but after a few minutes of being wrapped like a mummy, I almost passed out.

One morning, it rained. It was amazing, it was unlike any rain I have ever seen. It just poured down, I ran outside for a second it find our puppy, and by the time I reached the covered steps I looked like I had just gotten out of the shower. I love to just watch it rain. It makes everything smell sweet and fresh, it looks beautiful. I just couldn't help but feel so relaxed that day.

I did have a few hours of unrest. On Saturday night I had a panic attack when my asthma started acting up. I couldn't get any air- no matter how many breaths I took in, my lungs wouldn't fill up. By the time this on set happened, it was around midnight and I had not packed my inhaler. I thought about trying to drive to my apartment, but it seemed like a stupid idea. So I just tried to rest in the cold basement. I went down to the pharmacy on Sunday and got an inhaler, and things were better after that.

It was nice to be away for the week. I am sure that there will be pictures to post soon, but for now, I am going to get back to work. Break over :)

Oh and shout out to my friend... he starts a new job today! Everyone think good thoughts- and wish lots of luck!

Just thinking

2010-06-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

So you know those moments when the house is quiet and the neighbors finally have either left or sat down? Its in these little moments that I have time for thinking, just sitting and contemplating. Today such a moment has occurred. I am sitting here in my living room- looking out onto the balcony. I have just recently planted little flower pots to hang. The flowers still look great. I decided to go out there and give them some water, and to my great surprise, a plant that I was sure was dead (cause it snowed on it on Mother's Day weekend) is blooming! I still would give it water and constant care and love, and guess what it paid off.

Now that is what has me thinking. Its the thought about love. I decided that this little plant wasn't worthless. I kept feeding and watering it. I took care of it for a month while it looked brown and dead. There were all of 3 strands of green life for a little while. I was really sad that it looked so close to falling apart. I had specially picked this one out! I was excited and rushed it home to be loved and seen on the balcony. However, the snow covered it that May morning and froze it. Then when it thawed out, the sun beat down and turned it brown. I was so upset. However, I knew that it wasn't a lost cause. Nothing really ever is. People give up- they do it because its not working right, or its too hard. But I cared- I didn't just walk off. I took care of it, showed it love, and continued with patience. I now have a blooming little plant. While half of it may be dead- all it will take is some pruning- and with time, it will be healed.

This story stems from the fact that this is not the only thing I care for. This small plant is not the only thing that requires me to work at it. My relationships with others are a large portion of daily work. What would relationships be without some care and maintenance. Nothing is perfect, nothing ever runs super smooth. The honest secret is, that life makes things hard, we as a humans choose to stick around and make the best of things, or we give up and hide. I don't quit. I don't give up when things look wasted and hard. When things don't go my way, I push harder. It is how I was raised. It isn't in my personality to give up. I hold on to the little plant and make sure it has what it needs- just as I care for those relationships. Do they need more time, more love, more encouragement? Do they need me to back up and give space, do they need me to do something extraordinary? Without the work we put in, nothing would really work out. Its seamless, but it requires a lot of giving.

However, while thinking about this. I realize that the plant could have died. There could have been no blossoms on it. It could have remained dead. In this case, we don't necessarily give up- but we have to walk away. So sometimes I wonder, if we should let go and walk away sooner- or are we supposed to hold on, until the plant shrivels and falls apart?

Early Morning Training

2010-06-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

So today, I signed up to be SEO Certified. I am working really hard to understand this job and all aspects of it. I love it- so its worth it. Anyway, they asked if anyone would be wanting to come in at 7:30 in the morning to train. I volunteered. Silly Lacie. I know that isn't "early"--- but it is when you usually don't have to be there until 9:00. Anyway, today was a repeat training for me, but I feel like now it is in my head. I hope that I will be able to keep up and understand and promote!
Anyway, the reason that I am telling you this, is because now that I am here so long. I have time to complete all the work- done... and I have to take an hour long lunch... I could go play at Target- but every time I do, I end up spending $100. So I am trying to come up with a better alternative....
Right now I got- lunch with a friend. Sleep. Or just pretend I don't understand and work though the break.
I will let you know.... I think sleep sounds good. I wonder if I fit under this desk....

Pumpkin Head

2010-06-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today my head felt like a giant balloon you float down Center Street on the 4th of July. It felt like it was going to explode into a million pieces and I couldn't think straight. Then there was the nose being so stuffy and runny and sore. And my throat closing up---- could have been partially from the Red Vines. I just felt gross. Then I got drugs and left them behind. Now I don't have drugs. Please don't let me wake up like that tomorrow!!!!

Can't Sleep, So I thought I would Blog

2010-06-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am laying in a bed that I can stretch out in- my knees are not forced to be curled up. It feels great. I just kicked on the AC and burrowed in blankets. Sometimes life can be so good. This weekend was really fun for me. I enjoy new things from time to time. I have to say- I really like the cards I am being dealt.

I think one of the best parts of the weekend was "star gazing" in my friends car. Or 1:00-1:45 listening to the world going on around me. I know that it sounds silly- but my world is so quiet, that a little noise every now and then is good for me. I don't get it a lot. I just mostly live in an apartment that is silent. Of course, the flashlight and angry face was all the funnier to me, because I was almost sleeping. In any case, it was a good part of my night.

I spent the day today catching up on chores that needed to be done weeks ago. I vacuumed and cleaned out my car. I took the time to sew on missing buttons and repairing holes and tears in my clothes... as well as a few broken straps from my dresses. It was fairly productive. I made it half way through ironing, before I quit. I think I may just use the dry cleaners. I know that makes me sound so lazy- but lets be honest, 11 items right in a row is tiring... and they have been like that for months. Ha, a little pathetic.

I took a nap and watched America's Next Top Model. I just enjoy taking time to myself. I could use more days like that.

Other than that, I must say, life is being really good to me right now. And I hope that things keep going like they are, because I can think of nothing better.

Rock 'em Sock 'em

2010-06-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Blogging World,
Today was one of those amazing days you would contently live over and over. You know when your morning starts really well... Like those scenes in a movie where you life moves in sync with everything? It was like that, I woke up, and wasn't too hot and wasn't too cold. I rolled over and held onto the covers for a little bit longer and thought to myself, if I don't force myself up, I will drift back to sleep and never crawl out of here. So I did, gently dragged my little body out of bed. I then proceeded though the morning routine- with minor adjustments, because you see, today was a special day.

Before meeting with my sister in Lindon, I stopped at McDonalds and enjoyed their hot-cakes. Yes, I know it sounds gross to love a McD's breakfast, but I love it. I gobbled down most of my pancakes and two greasy hashed browns. I smiled as I realized that the expression on my face must resemble a small child on Christmas morning- but secretly wishing I could still eat like one without the concern of inches on my hips.

I got to help someone today. We always learn to look for opportunities to give... and trust me, I have been looking for this one. I have searched every loophole, every burrow, each gopher hole, and every nook and cranny you can imagine. And I found it. It is silly that being there for others makes things better for me... but it does.

Then, I slowly peeled myself away from my blissful morning to go to work. Which I have to say, today I loved my job. I sat there and thought about those people sitting around me, and things wouldn't be as fun if they weren't there. We talk all day, joke about everything, and by the end of the day, we are laughing about everything.

After work, was just as wonderful. The man helping me at the store was super nice, and just uber helpful! I was so grateful for his help. I played a little window shopping at the mall and thought about what to wear on Wednesday. I giggle again. I laugh like myself. Life is good and things are beginning to fill with color like they used to be. I sometimes can't get my body or brain to act my correct age at times... I can't keep coordinated and keep from spilling my drink all over the car. I can't help that when I drive, I listen to my music and sing along really loud!

Today was one of those days, I could live again. I would smile and laugh just the same. I would eat and dance and walk just the same. The only thing that could change, is the frosty incident... But maybe not... It was good. Good enough that I smile at the thought. And know that God gives us days like these to make it all worth while.

A Wonderful Holiday

2010-06-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day Weekend has to be one of the best of the year... It is the first time I get to hit the pool and soak up sunshine... and every year, I soak up a little too much. I come back looking like I little strawberry (or so I am told). As I think about it that, it fits. I am a very warm red with little brown freckles.

In any case I love it. However, this year was better than most. I spent a lot of time in the car, driving to St. George, home and all around town. I secretly loved it a lot. I got to be with my friends, see those I loved. I bought a couple new CDs for the drive and was super impressed by The Resistance by MUSE. I tried out a new band, DEFTONES- they were okay. And of course I spent some time with Ke$ha--- however you choose to say it.

I ate lots of yummy cupcakes and got Jack in the Box.

But I think one of the best moments of the weekend was watching Star Wars on the couch. :)

Another wonderful memory came from one particular conversation with a friend around midnight. Just as we were approaching the freeway exit- we started talking about life plans. I know that many young adults feel super lost. I included in all of this. But it was so interesting to hear them talk to me. They told me about where they stood and how they felt like their feet were somehow stuck there. I thought about it a lot as I slept that night.

PS Always wear spandex when traveling, it is so comfortable!

My Little Teacher

2010-05-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

I have a sister who teaches 1st grade. Today I went over to the school to help her pack up for the Summer. As I was sitting there wishing for freedom, I happened to notice a new white laptop sitting on her desk. I was shocked! It was the new MacBook. The seamless, wonderful, brand new and shiny white Mac Book! I shot out of the small child chair I was squeezed into- and am now happily blogging to you from a 2010 beauty. I have to say, even though I love Chloe, there is something about this white... something about the crisp click of the keys, something about the unmarked screen. I wish! I wish I could be one of the people who could justify spending so much money on a computer I use only for pleasure. I one day will find a job, like my sister who gives you these little toys!

Anyway, I just thought I would share how cool I thought they worked. Its nice to have a new Mac to play with.... Maybe I can justify a few hundred on this....

A funny post

2010-05-24T17:59:00.001-07:00

So today I was reading though Twitter. I was giggling at all the people upset by the weather. The best term that I found for all of this craziness, is bipolar. It is true, they say, "Oh its just Spring in Utah". But when was the last time you remember there being snow the week before June? But wait, the snow cleared out around Noon, leaving time for rain and then clouds with blue skies. The wind picked up coming down the canyon, and if I may say, that cold shot of wind is worse than the snow right now.

The best part of my day was trying to make it to work on a freeway that wasn't plowed. I was sliding everywhere, you can forget about changing lanes. I just closed my eyes when it got scary and hoped for the best. Luckily I made it.

Hollow

2010-05-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

A Doughnut
A Cave
An Empty Bottle
Sea Shells
Dying Trees
A Halloween Pumpkin
Promises

The Tin Man's Chest- he and I have one thing missing.

What a difference a day makes

2010-05-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ever since we were small children, we have been waiting for things... Then it was hoping time would speed up so Santa would come. It was waiting for the ice cream truck to drive by on hot summer days. As we aged, we made changes in what we waited for. In junior high, we couldn't wait for our braces to be taken off and for the rest of our body catch up to our gangly arms and legs. In High School we waited for the dates to start rolling in and for the drivers license.

We have spent out lives waiting- or at least looking ahead to what is coming. Looking towards our future lives- our careers, our spouses, our homes, where we live. All of these things lay ahead in an "unreachable" place. We are in control at some level, but at the same time, things are really out of our control. We yes, can make the choices to attend school- and then graduation happens. But then, you are a college grad with no career. Despite how hard I have looked, I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to land. But its okay. Life is just unpredictable like that.

The point is, life isn't decided. Its not something we can control or set in stone. Things will always keep changing and growing. The best we can do is roll with the punches, go with the flow, and accept life as it comes.

I can tell you the one lesson I have learned though all of this- If you want something, fight until you get it. Fight for the things that you deserve, the things you dream of, and the things that you think are going to make it better to be here. Life isn't going to hand you the answers, you come up with them on your own. Have faith in yourself and make those choices.

To you: I know that whatever you choose, will be able to work in your life. You can roll with these tough times. If you choose to go over seas, you can let it be a choice for good in your life. You can stay here and work and you will find that no matter where you are working, you can be a good tool. Yes, the answers are hard to find. Its hard to determine what exactly to do in life. But I have faith in you, I know you. I know your heart, and I know that what you choose to do will work out. Just take this chance to make a choice and step forward. :) I love you for who you are- and that means who you are tomorrow and next year.

Boy Wonder and his evil GF

2010-05-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

So tonight I come home, I am was tired, after walking forever! I was kinda hoping for a quiet house- that I could come in and unwind and get ready for bed. Nope. Life is not so kind. Instead I walk into my house to find my roommate's gross boyfriend sitting shirtless on the couch.... Uhhh.... really? Yep. So I hurried into my room. Its usually safe in there if the door is locked. I was then more than elated to hear that her aunt and uncle would be arriving. Yeah, good luck getting to bed Lacie. They are standing right there talking.... Telling her how cute her decorating is.... that she has done none of. I don't care, so long as it is all there in the morning... But wait, no she hides my things in her room. She is not the best part of my day. I am going to try to escape out there to wash my face and brush my teeth... I still have normal hours to keep.
Wish me luck and hope she moves.
Thanks.

Mother's Day Weekend

2010-05-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

So this weekend wasn't just about Mothers Day. While that played a critical part of my Sunday activities, most of Saturday was spent celebrating my baby sisters birthday. Mallory, the baby of the family turned 14 this weekend! I could hardly believe it, I can still clearly see her, parading into my 5th grade class in a shiny pink dress, covered in fake pearls, and wearing sunglasses and fake heels. She was my little angel. She used to curl up on my lap and hold my hand. She used to carry around baby dolls where ever we went. I remember helping put her in a car-seat- Where is that little girl?
We spent her celebration doing things that she requested. We went to the new Iron Man- which by the way is amazing. I loved it. We then followed that up by going up to Salt Lake to buy her some new jeans. And for dinner she requested that we eat at the Melting Pot. It was delicious. The cheese pots were delicious, the meat was a little more tricky, and the chocolate was divine!!! I think I ate more than my share of strawberries, but them covered in peanut-butter chocolate---- OOOOOO! It makes my heart sing. I loved it a lot!!! So basically it was a great day.
Mothers day was a great day as well. We opened presents for Mallory in the morning and Mom after church. We ate lunch at my Grandmothers, and it was so fun. My mom joined the kids in a few yard games. When eating was done, I took a turn to wash all the dishes. The aunts and my grandma stood there feeling kinda helpless for a few minutes, but after a second, they must have sensed they were off the hook. I let them sit in the living room and enjoy talking. It was refreshing to say the least. My fingers weren't pruney for long. We then had birthday cake for Mallory and returned home.
I guess at this point, I want to share a few thoughts about my mom. She is the most supportive and loving person in my life. While I have been trying to get things straight in my mind and life, she has been there to offer comfort and words of her wisdom. She recognizes my love and passion for things and helps me to excel at them. She lets me choose the beat I am dancing to, and stands on my side of the battles. And I think one of the things I love the most, is that though this last year, she has not changed that she loves me. Through thick and thin, I know she is always there. I call her to ask how to clean my stove top, how long I was supposed to cook that potato, what should I do about the roommate. She is there, to help answer questions. While I know she is trying to take care of all of her children, I know that I am still important enough to make a phone call and say I love you. I love her, she is the best example to me. I hope that when my turn comes, I can be the kind of mother she has been to me.

2010-05-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

So lately I have come home from work and had an after work snack. Lately nothing sounds good- expect for Jelly Beans.

I try to distract myself with real food- last night I made spaghetti, today I tried to suffice it with carrots and ranch- but nothing over rides my sweet tooth. I just needed those sweet little morsles. I often wonder where my crazy cravings come from, but its all good.

Graduation

2010-04-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm here... at this point in my life.

Last night I was shopping with Rachael in SLC for some shoes for Graduation, and the cashier goes, "so what are these for?" Rach and I chimed in together and said, "Graduation".... The cashier goes, "Oh from High School?"------ ARE YOU KIDDING? DO I LOOK LIKE I AM A TEENAGER.... I'm not an eighteen year old sized girl...

Anyway, Its here! Graduation is upon me. One of the biggest ceremonies of my life... I worked 4 years on this one and I deserve this! I was really worried it would never come, and now I am dreading the day!

Thursday I will sit though Commencement, with every graduate of 2010. :) Mostly I don't care so long as Rachael sits next to me. And Friday is going to be one of the best days for a party- starting off with the ceremony at 8:00- where I will walk though the processional and receive the "diploma"... that I already have. Then there will be a wonderful dinner wtih my family and grandparents.... Followed by, let me hear a woot-woot, the JAZZ Playoff Game! I hope we kick it!

Yeah, well that is the plan for the next two days- so forgive me if I don't write till the weekend, and tell you how it went. Fingers crossed that I don't trip.

Music at work

2010-04-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

Alright, if you know me, then you know that I love music! I used to put it on before I would go to sleep- it helped me calm down. I listen to it in the car - and I usually will sing along. I take music to the gym to work out and find that I run better when I am listening to a good song. I love to listen to music while I cook- at least when I have the kitchen to myself.
Well, I usually take my ipod to work with me. It helps time to go faster when I have music to work to. But lets talk about co-workers. I usually keep my music down so others don't have to listen. But I have a couple of co workers who think its okay to sing along to their music at work. It just so happens that they are both guys and usually singing songs that annoy me. I think it may be just because they are singing them, but you should hear one of them try to sing Flogging Molly. I know it shouldn't' erk me so, but seriously friends, music in your ears only. I don't want to hear your terrible acapella version. The end!

The Jo Bro's

2010-04-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

So I wanted to take a few moments and share a funny roommate story...
You see I have this roommate who moved in just a few months ago. We get along for the most part, despite the silly things she does. In any case, there have been very few major problems. But, the hitch is the guy she is dating... I haven't quite figured it out. She is like rocking hot, and he is ... sooooo not!
A friend of mine compares him to a Jonas Brother. I have to say, I completely agree! I try not to giggle when he asks me to go HipHop dancing with them. I usually just have my reason and scoot off to my room.
Tonight, my apartment smells like roadkill/her cooking. And He was laying on the couch. I giggled because yesterday he was over and somehow managed to leave his shirt behind. Yes that is correct, I found his shirt today shoved behind the pillows on the couch. I smirked and shoved it back in. Tonight he must have found it and hid it.... but the best part is, I heard him trying to sneak out this morning around 6:30. Ha! Nope, didn't work little friend.
Anyway, this is a word for all ya'all roomies out there- The only way to avoid being caught is to 1. Keep all belong in her room 2. Never never sneak out when the other girl wakes up 3. Don't talk at your normal voice level, because your octave is lower than any chicks and therefore a drop dead give away.

Important lessons

2010-04-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

Lesson learned:
When bored at work, just spin in your chair, do not do research online!

An Interesting Night

2010-04-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

So tonight was no ordinary night. It has been a crazy day- filled with little tips and turns. I thought I had mailed my announcements, but appearently that was a dream when I found them in the living room... either that or my roommate hid them... In any case, I mailed those out. Almost lost my mind searching for the power bill, my VS bill, and my credit card statement... Note to all: Do not rearrange your room when bills are due! Then there was a power outage... It was just a weird day.

Anyway, I had the chance to go over to my grandparents and they shared with me their conversion story. It was interesting to me, to think about life like it was back then. My grandpa spent time recounting how he had met my grandma. He talked about his mother, a woman I hardly knew. Life was very different back then, their first home cost less than $2,000. I was shocked. I listed to their accounts of life in the good times... they used to do this thing called "dragging center"... which apparently means you go to Center Street in Provo and pick up on boys/girls. They point of going was strictly to make out- I was shocked. I laughed as he said, that when he tried to help her into the car, he ripped the arm off her coat.

The rest of the story was different, he told me about how it took him a year and half before he converted. He never asked my grandma if she wanted to join- but she had wanted to join, since before they married. He said he insisted on being taught from the Bible, because as a boy, he had attended a Baptist church. The couple who taught them, were married parents in the surrounding area. They remained family friends until their passing. I listened to a story that I never really think about.

I never wonder, why I have what I do. I never think about life where children aren't taught to pray. I couldn't imagine, not attending Sunbeams and singing along in Primary. I thought about how different their lives were. Though his story, he talked about being able to feel "good feelings"- which he now identifies as the spirit. Like when they bought their first home, he felt good there.

I then thought about my own life, those things that turn in your stomach and "feel good". I wondered how life would be if I didn't understand them. I wondered how life would have been if I were just the little wife, who had no or little opinion and didn't have the voice to say that it was something I wanted.

As I listened, I was thankful. While life is full of disappoints and hard times, sadness, and many times being lost from the path- I had firm knowledge that I had something that would make it all worth my while. I had something that many did not- and that was a testimony.

There is a song that I love, the lyrics are as follows: "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing. Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in. I got time, while he got freedom. When a heart breaks, it don't break even." Sometimes, lately, I have started wondering if he is really there. Sometimes I get really down, and I beg for him to come be with me. I know he is there- but I just wonder how he can stay so far. But then my heart strings pull and I know. I never will loose that- because I know. But there will be times, that it doesn't seem right- and right now, its just going to be like that.

However, my answer is Patience.

Love me or hate me, either way you are thinking of me

2010-04-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

While I was sitting at work, waiting for noon to come, I had the realization that our minds work so uniquely. This blog is named Create and Open Mind, based off of a class I took at BYU. My professor said that creating a blog would help us to get in touch with our creativity. I did as he said, but found that my blog here, was mostly for sharing the little things in life.

It was during my thinking at my desk that I realized something. I have this one thing stuck in my head... its constantly in my thoughts. I try to push it out of my mind by thinking about french fries, new lip gloss, scenarios, and to-do lists- but our minds are unique. Mine brain, more specifically, is open. No matter what I do to push this thought out of my mind- it doesn't work. My mind is open enough that while I am attempting the distraction, there is still that lingering thought.

If you need a visual, imagine this elaborately elegant room. There are mirrors on the walls, beautiful pictures that are oil painted, lots of lights and chandeliers, plush chairs and elaborate pillows. Your mind is consumed by this thought right? Visualizing this... trying to see it in your own unique way... But then there is a figure sitting there. A strange dark figure sitting in the lovely chair. No matter where you look in the room, there is that figure. Always in your view.

Anyway, I wanted to share this thought with you, the title of my post:
"Love me or hate me, either way you are thinking of me".

The thought that I am trying so hard to push away, will never leave. That little figure will always linger in my room. There is no point at trying to force it out, but rather accepting it and allowing it to touch the fine chair, to wander the room and view the pictures. I have no choice but to allow it. I accept the dark figure that always will linger in my mind, and will continue to love it- as I always did.

In the little land of Fizz

2010-04-08T13:34:00.000-07:00

So today work is dragging- but yesterday it flew by. In fact, I forgot to be watching the clock and stayed 40 mins more yesterday. But I can promise tonight when the clocks strikes, three I will be bouncing out the door.

But I really wanted to tell you my funny driving story. Today I went over to Walgreens in PG for something to settle my stomach. Well I can drive out, but I have never come back that way. So I almost missed my turn, but I knew my little bug could make it. When I went to flip back, there was a car coming up that lane. So I hurried out of it, meanwhile the crackers and sprite went flying across the car. The poor little Mercedes coming up the road had a look of sheer panic at seeing me in their lane. I just laughed. Would it have scared me? Maybe. But I think I would have been laughing at them. Anyway, just made me smile a lot.

Then I got back to work, took the time to eat crackers and sprite and now am settled enough that I can make the dinner @ Rubios plan I had. I am really excited in any case because we all know how much I love Rubios. Well much love and peace out for today.

Wonderment

2010-04-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes thing are left vague, not really fully talked about. Sometimes we are left wondering. In these cases, what do we do? When our answers come slowly and we have no choice but to be patient, what is the cure for this aching? I sit and wonder all day, think about it constantly... Lately especially. I don't like it. I want to know the answers. I wish I knew them now. Maybe in a few days time... maybe never. I hope I last until then.

Best Medicine

2010-03-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

So you hear people say that smiling is the best medicine... or do they say crying? In any case, I have to disagree with them. I really think that the most effective way to cure anything is to sleep it off. I took a nap today after 3 restless hours of fussiness. Thank heavens for a comfy couch and a warm blankie to sleep under.

Sick Day

2010-03-24T19:52:00.001-07:00

Hello world. I am sick and tired. I have been laying down for the last few hours. Then during one of my dreams I realized that I had not received the checks I ordered. I sat up and pulled up all the emails. I dialed the customer services number, sat on hold for 36 minutes. He then answered, asked for my information and then put me on hold. I was so tired all I wanted to go back to sleep.

Last night, I slept for 10 hours. I woke up and still wished I could try to sleep. I don't know what is wrong, but I think my friend was right... Maybe I should go get checked out by a doctor. I might set an appointment if this keeps up. I don't like the world spinning.

Well I will write again later. It is time for me to lay back down and find a movie to put in.

COD MW2

2010-03-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Today at work, I had a funny moment. I was sitting there chatting with a friend who asked if I had caught the Jazz game. I answered back and as I went to push send, I realized how mortifying my answer was.
Friend: Did you catch the Jazz game last night?
Me: No I was playing Call of Duty
Me: :O
Friend: Well it was a good game.

I sat there for a few minutes feeling like someone had stun-gunned me. Who was this girl? How could it be me? I know that change is a part of life... but me sitting playing video games unencouraged, alone... it just didn't seem right for a few moments in time.

I am over it now. I thought I would share. Life is about growth and change... Love is about sacrifices and learning to be content. I have finally started up a slope again. No more flat plains. This time, I am in it to learn and grow and love- hopefully.

Grocery Shopping

2010-03-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

So today after work, I went a different way and ended up doing my grocery shopping. There are two roads that lead to my business, using two different freeway exits. I tested the other one out- definitely not faster. But it was nice to try. It was so nice, I rolled down the windows and headed for State Street. I decided that it was time to find food. I went grocery shopping. You would be so proud of my shopping choices. But there is this horrible little monster in my tummy that keeps making me hungry... So everything I bought sounds good. Its very tempting.

Then I got to unload it alone. I think that is one of the things that is the hardest. I live in a married building and thus, everyone has someone to help them with their groceries but me. I got most of them up in one trip. And as a reward for my good behavior, I got myself Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

I was taking a nap when a friend texted to wake me up. Then I ate some potato chips :) Now I am going to get my game and play play play! Yeah!!!!

Girls Night

2010-03-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a few girl-friends over to make dinner and watch a movie. It was so nice to spend time with people who relate to me. We decided to make chicken enchiladas- We ran to the store and found the ingredients. They were so easy to make, and the corn tortillas remind me of Rubios. Ha. Anyway, I hurried and whipped them up and threw it in the oven. We waited for the rest of the girls to arrive.
I got the chance to use my nice dishes and cute placemats. :) Then we sat down for dinner. So cute, so fun. We chatted though dinner and ate like there were no boys around. It was so spicy I think I drank 3 or 4 cups during the meal.
The movie of choice was "Law Abiding Citizen". It was amazing. I love shows that keep you on your toes waiting for whats coming next, making you focus. It was impressive, sometimes I wish I had a brain like that character... To be able to get done what I want with no interference... Wow. I was rivited. None of us talked or moved until it was over... though we all drank way too much.
I was disappointed that he didn't get to kill the Mayor... But that is just my opinion. The explosion in the cell was beautiful- if you haven't seen it, watch it. If you have seen it, you just need to watch that part again! He is a genius and I loved that movie.
The rest of the evening was spent playing XBOX against them. Ha ha, it was so funny to watch them try. We turned it off though, when the roommates boyfriend wanted to play....
Anyway, it was fun! More nights like that please!

Happenings

2010-03-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

So here is what has been going on...
I have played nice with the roommate and slowly teach her little things. Its going great! She is learning valuable lessons and I get to be a teacher.

Candace talked me into buying some light blue 1950 shoes. I love them. Then we got into a fight.

I am excited for homemade tacos tonight. I have eaten Rubios like every day. Yesterday, they even got to make me an order to go. I love their food.

I have been waiting for my boss to get me the files to finish up the magazine. But in the process of all of this, I ticked off a friend who had to lend me their student id.

I am filling out the census form that was mailed to me.

I am waiting for my checks to come in the mail- and want to freaking scream about how cute they are. I also am awaiting a few other orders... shoes and a shirt.

I am setting some life goals and making progress to get things shaped up. Mainly trying to see if there is anyway I can get out to Boston...

I will keep you updated.

Roommates roll eyes

2010-03-13T01:42:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I have a new roommate. I like her. Don't get me wrong, but she acts like she is five. She leaves all the lights on and the TV and leave the house. She doesn't own her own set of dishes, so she... and all of her friends use mine.... She uses my shelf in the shower, when there is another one completely empty. She comes in late and wakes me up... Not just because she is loud, but she can't open the door. Yes, you heard it. She called me at 2 the other morning to ask me to open the door... seeing as how I was asleep, she rang the door bell to wake me. The following day at 3:40 AM she texted me to let me know she was on her way home and to leave the door unlocked..... UH.... Is she high? No! She can learn how to use a door just like I did.
Basically I don't see her, unless it is 2 or 3 in the morning. She stays out all night and then sleeps most of the day. I am hoping one day... aka tomorrow that I will be able to catch up with her and let her know what I really think. She needs to learn to be a grown up. This is a grown up apartment, that means we pay for our electricity. That means we own the dishes we use, unless we ask. That means that we don't wake up the other person in the house because we are too wasted to get the key though a keyhole. That means GROWING THE FREAK UP AND FAST.
Sorry to vent, but she has it coming.

Unreliable Internet

2010-03-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

So I work for an internet marketing company and today the internet was down. I giggled at first, but became board quickly. Luckily, the pulled me out to do training in another part of the office, where the internet was not required. I am trying to learn so much so quickly. All of the things they teach me and in there, they are just really jumbled. I come home from work really exhausted right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love it, but its been tricky to learn so much. I am grateful for the trainer Amy, she is really patient with all my questions. Its hard in the group, because I am with a bunch of computer nerds who already understand a lot and therefore will argue with Amy about terms and meanings. I get a little frustrated because its hard for me to learn what my company calls something when they are throwing around other terms. I have a lot of abbreviations to understand. I hope it gets easier or at least I just get better. I really want to succeed.
Anyway, I just thought the whole internet being down thing was sorta funny.

Aged Love

2010-03-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight was my grandma's birthday on my dad's side- My family attended a cake and ice cream get together with the rest of the family. There were a few aunts and uncles there, several cousins' kids- and of course the grandparents.

Now this story would not make sense without a little background information. My grandpa is really sick and has been for some time. He is starting to look old- he no longer remembers who we really are, he falls and hurts himself a lot, and he is just seeing the affects of age setting in heavy. Well with all of these problems, you need a solid support.

A few months back, he went walking at the Provo Town Center Mall as most elder folks do. He was simply riding down the stairs on the escalator and he lost his balance and fell nearly the whole length of the stairs. A customer service rep at the bottom of the stairs quickly came to his aid. They found his cell phone and called my grandmother- who came to his rescue. They checked him into a hospital where the doctors kept him for a few days- seeing as this was, at least the 3rd serious fall in the week. When my parents told me this- I started thinking about old age. I always said I always wanted to die young, but tonight really made me start to reconsider.

My grandpa walked into the room with a huge bouquet of white flowers- daisies, roses, and carnations. It had plenty of greenery and baby's breath. It was so sweet. I watched him as he came into the room, cane in one hand, flowers in the other- smiling at her. He handed her those flowers and just simply wished her a happy birthday. I was all teary eyed- stupid I know, but you should have seen the love there.

I don't know how it happens- But every now and then I find a real reason to smile. I pray for them as they continue on. I don't think I am ready to loose them- so I need them to be around for a while longer. I love them though, although my family doesn't spend lots of time there- I am blessed to have amazing grandparents in my life.

2010-03-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight it was Aaron's birthday. Candace bought him an XBOX, and he is a very happy boy. We went out to Pizza Pie Cafe to enjoy a party with friends. I love his roommates/ groomsmen- they are a good bunch of boys. I definitely ate too much though, I had like 3 pieces of pizza and a giant salad. It was ish food- I loved the crust the best, but that is just a small portion of the pizza :). Anyhow, after, while we were doing brownies and ice cream, the boys played Call of Duty and Resident Evil- and Can, Leah and I played on her bed. I have forgotten how much fun a bunch of girls can have. I secretly adore them. We laughed, danced, and sang--- mostly off key.
But the thing I took away from tonight was a side ache from laughing so hard and the knowledge that if we want something bad enough, there is no amount of work that will give it to us. Sometimes it really is just about sitting, waiting, and loosing everything you ever dreamed of.

Roommates

2010-03-07T20:17:00.000-08:00

So once upon a time, I didn't have a roommate for almost 5 months. I have had the apartment to myself. Well, as of recently I have been looking to find someone to fill the empty room. I had lots of girls who came and looked... and all of them made me want to shoot myself in the head. I was dreading the day when I wouldn't come home to an empty room. Well guess what?! I found someone who fits me. She has been here all of one day and I already like her.
I am sure there will be little tiffs- we are girls. But I am happy! She is a good match for me. She is chill and all about life being sweet. So basically I find that refreshing and fitting with my new little attempt at life. She doesn't judge me for my complex boy background. She laughs with me, talks about the same things, uses clean language, and she is adorable. Oh, and did I mention that she likes the same shows as me? Yes! Family guy is good, Friends is much loved, and she is morbidly curious about Dexter just like me.
What a happy world this is.

Grilled Pepper-jack

2010-03-07T17:31:00.001-08:00

Okay, while this may seem silly- Candace is giving me new chances to try new foods. Today after church, she made me a grilled cheese... panini thing. She was standing there in the kitchen, sourdough bread- pepper-jack cheese, and a hint of pesto. I was surprised how much I liked it. The cheese was a little .... uh... spicy for my usual taste, so I dipped it in sour cream. Ha ha! Okay, not as gross as it might sound.
In any case, it was delicious and I owe Candace so much for the many cooking/ meal adventures we have been on.

Zumba

2010-03-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

So as part of my openness to new things, I agreed to join Candace at the gym for a week. I didn't quite know what I was signing up for at the time... now that I know...
Anyway, we started almost a week ago. The first day involved the leg weight machines--- I was exhausted. We biked and did abs. The second day, I could hardly move. I thought if I kept pushing though, it would get easier... but it did not. The next day we took it pretty easy and rode the bike and lifted weights to tone my arms. I am freaking weak. Then we had this genius plan to go to a Hip Hop Class. I totally dance like a white chick. I don't know how, but that room full of mirrors confirmed my worst fear, I am a spaz. But on the bright side, it was pretty fun. We then took the next day off on account that neither of us could walk!
This morning we went to Zumba. I hurt so bad right now, I can't even begin to describe the aches and pains. It feels like my ribs are bruised, my legs ache, and my shoulders. It was an amazing workout! I had so much fun. (For those of you who don't know what Zumba is- its like Salsa dancing + Aerobics). I totally sweated and loved it. Though I had trouble getting the rhythm sometimes, it was a blast. I am trying to decide if I should get a membership and go with Candace....
In any case, we still have at least 2 more days of working out... but right now I am trying to relax on the couch and get a migraine to go away.

Pop pop, Fizz fizz!

2010-03-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

So Blog--- good news, I got a job! I have been looking for a few months now and I found something that I am really excited for! Anyhow- I will keep you posted. I get to start on Monday.

The good things

2010-03-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

So they say that we should be looking for the good things that happen in our day. And today, there have been a few! I was woken up early this morning- which ended up working out even though I was super cranky. I ran some errands- dropped off the dry cleaning, picked up contacts, and did some deliveries. I was then at the other end of town, still early and bored. I knew that if I went home, I would sit and watch mindless TV shows. So I stopped at Beaches. Impulsive, but it helps me sleep at night! Anyway... here is the good part!!! I went in and asked for my usual, and the girl at the counter said, "are you sure, its happy hour so all the beds are half off"... I paused for a moment and looked up at the board- I could upgrade my bed and spend less than the bed I usually use. So I jumped from the Wolf to the Ultra! Holy smokes it was an amazing bed! Then they gave me a lotion shot- it was a bronzer that smelled amazing! I baked happily in this new bed while listening to music being pumped though the speakers next to my head- and another "good thing", one of my favorite songs was on! Sexy chick... sorta a theme song.
So after, I got dressed and shuffled out the door. That only took half an hour. I went home and played with the external hard drive... it hates me now because it wanted to belong to someone else... So now I have to take it in again and pay for them to fix it... again :( So in frustration, I laid down and fell asleep for three hours. It was a wonderful nap- but I woke up to snow.... I know, I know, this blog is supposed to be about good things that happened... but wait, I'm not done.
I had a cheesecake in my fridge... had a piece with some delicious strawberry sauce. Then I watched some FRIENDS --- LOVE IT!!! Talked with Candace. Took a nice hot shower to ease the sunburn. Then I decided to eat a salad- random, but my lettuce was going to expire. Then I flipped on my XBOX and played some Fable II.
OH AND THE BEST NEWS OF THE DAY... I HAVE HAD THIS SONG THAT I MAY CONSIDER MY FAVORITE... TODAY I FOUND IT ON ITUNES AFTER A YEAR OF SEARCHING.... JUST SAYING.... IT WAS DOWNLOADED IMMEDIATELY AND HAS BEEN PLAYED 15 TIMES IN THE LAST HALF HOUR OR SO... :)
Who could really complain about such a day? Its been good.

Mail Orders

2010-03-03T14:47:00.001-08:00

I gotta say... I have this new obsession. I am really enjoying getting things in the mail.
I order shirts, skirts, hard drives, mini-fridges, and toys :)
I can't make myself stop either- I keep finding little excuses to buy things! Make it stop- or at least help me figure out how to avoid the shipping and handling.

Aches and Pains

2010-03-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get that tight feeling in your chest- it hurts and makes it hard to breathe? What makes it stop?

Thinking about gratitude

2010-02-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

I know its not Thanksgiving... but yesterday I spent most of the day flustered and upset about some people's lack of gratitude. I grew up in a family that encouraged please and thank-you's-- if not required them. But yesterday I was pondering upon this. I have a friend who attempted to ease someone else's bad day by giving them what they wanted. However, instead of a thank you, they were accused of being selfish! Why? It seems that this friend, we will call them Tucker... was giving all he could. I just sat there confused. Not only does he take care of the bad days... but he is a loan officer on weekends when they come up short, a weekend buddy, and a sunday cook for them. It just didn't make sense that someone could love and share so much and yet receive nothing back.
But in sharp contrast to this. I have a friend that I love to spoil with presents. There is just something fun about buying things... I think most of it is the way their face lights up and the way they say thanks! Is that silly? I enjoy buying gifts because it makes me happy to see them happy?
I don't know. I just seemed to go over how little we appreciate in life. Its just a little thing to say thank you... But it makes such a big difference.
I guess the thing I walk away with, is never let the chance to say thanks go past. Always thank those who do things for you. My parents are wonderful helpers and supporters for me. I have a best friend who is there to talk to on my sad days and laugh with while I play Mario. I have Candace who is a soul sister! I am grateful for the world I live in... for the way of life that I enjoy... I hope that things are always good.
And to Tucker, I hope he sees that his actions make him worth more than anything else. I hope he sees that his heart is in the right place and to just blow off the unthankful attitudes of others. And I want "Tucker" to know that he is right, they are wrong. He is big, they are little. And in the end, it all comes back to you.

The Mr. and Mrs. Hittle

2010-02-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

Santa Cruz was amazing! I had so much fun spending time with these two! I love them with all my heart. Everyday there was a new adventure- new things to do, projects, places to play! We played on the beach and collected sea shells and had a blast. We met with DJ's, Florists, and personal shopping assistants.
One of the funnest things was playing in Downtown Santa Cruz with everyone. The groomsmen and bridesmaids loved the time together. We ate at this little Mexican restaurant- the tacos were pretty good. I just loved all the chips and salsa I got to eat throughout the week. I spent the day playing in stores, surf shops, and getting lost. We went to Walgreens for Val Day cards, and apparently Cinnamon hearts are a Utah thing. I was craving it all week.

Driving though the city was a little confusing.... leaving town, coming back. There are too many freeways for me to stay focused. I am on the 17 and then suddenly on the 1. But it was super fun to just be in the car with CanCan. I love rocking out with her, even if I didn't have a voice.
I really felt like I was a part of the family. From the first night, I really didn't feel out of place. It was the most at home I have felt away from home in a long time. She had 4 younger brothers to keep me company.
In any case, the wedding was beautiful. She was married the day before Valentines. I was thrilled for her. She was beautiful and he was handsome. It was the most adorable photos I have ever seen! I love them so much! During the slideshow, there was a song that keeps playing in my head, "Its gonna be a good life". I smile because I know that they are going to have a good life. I have seen them work though problems together- I can see the love in their eyes.

During the ring ceremony, Aaron was repeating his lines- and he look so sincere. My heart melted! The line used by Leah from Friends, "I have known them separate and together, and when they are together I know I am in the presence of true love."
These two are such examples to me- what it really means to hold on and to remember that love can really conquer all!

Waiting for Vacationing

2010-02-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

The day has finally come that I get to leave town. I have been excited for this for months! The dress is fitted, the shoes are broken in, and the bags are slowly being packed. Today I started to have this worry that I am going to forget something important, so I am using the spare room to start putting the essentials into a pile. I figure I can replace deodorants, but the bridesmaid dress is sorta important- so I collect the things that MUST go.
I am dreaming of nothing but this day- the day that the drive to the airport is for me. I can't wait to board that plane, granted it is only like an hour long flight, but I just love to fly! I have been taking friends up there for a year, and this time, I am going to jump on that plane.
I am excited for new adventures- I get to drive myself, try to figure it all out on my own. I just hope it goes as smooth as my last lone trip in the LAX.
I will have been without Candace 9 days by the time I reach her. I am on day 2- its not going too well. A 4 week break for her Honeymoon might just kill me. But on the plus side, I have months of her back here! I am so happy they decided to stay. She has been my life raft- my best girlfriend! When I am bored, she invents things to do. When I am sad, she doesn't allow it. Candace quite possibly could be my sister.
I am excited for her wedding day- I know that Aaron will take good care of her. I am just hoping that he doesn't require too much time :)
Well here is to 7 more days without her!
High Five!

Detective Lacie On the Job

2010-01-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

So once upon a time, my friend Candace got a check in the mail. It was unexpected and written for 890.00!!! Who wouldn't want that kind of money, but who was it from? Why was it here? Well we called her mom, my dad, her boyfriend, and my boy- friend. No body had answers, but my friend said he could take a look at it. We had to go track him down at school. He whipped the check around like a pro- noticing the signature was off and there were no "micro dots". He is a genius. Then he instructed me to call the issuing bank and verify funds.
I did as he said. I called, they said to bring it in. So we promptly drove to the bank. After a few minutes and several different people coming to watch- we found that the funds were in the account, it was all pretty much valid... minus the tracking number. We left the bank still wondering who the check was from, it was a personalized envelope... but a business check.
Well we went shopping and bought fun toys. Then we went home to watch the OC forgetting all about it... for a minute. Then we decided to search the company on line. We did so- nothing fishy, until we searched scams....
Apparently someone has their account number and is issuing checks that later the one who cashed the check will be harassed until funds are returned. We were glad we had decided not to cash it.
Then we proceeded to play on FB and check our emails- that is when my detective skills kicked in. I saw the name on her account- Johnson. He had arranged to buy the LoveSac she had on KSL. I knew this was the sender of the check.
After a little further prodding and googling his email address, I found his has been scamming lots of people selling things on KSL. He sends the check for more than asked for, instructs the seller to transfer the rest of the funds to the "movers" and then gets 700 bucks for nothing. Then the seller is screwed over when the company comes to collect all the money back. I then called the boy- friend to get advice on what we should do. We notified the prospective buyer/ scammer that the item was no longer for sale.
And that is the story of Lacie solving the mystery of the mysterious check in the mail!

A day on Temple Square

2009-12-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

One very chilly summer day, I decided to take a Saturday to myself and go up to Salt Lake. I figured I had nothing else going on. So my first stop was Gray Whale, I found a few new CDs to listen to while I drove, and then I headed for the freeway.
As I sped up the road, I thought about all the times I had driven that road before. All the times that I had raced past the world in a hurry to get to where I was going. Originally, I wasn't sure if I was going to spend the day shopping at the Gateway or if I would just walk the grounds... But it became clear as I drove that is what I needed. I pulled into the familiar parking garage that I had used three times a week while I worked up there. I parked in my usual spot and hopped out of the car. I grabbed my plastic cards and a camera. Then I was off and walking. I hadn't really been in Downtown since the end of my internship. I stopped and looked at the building from across the street-

I worked on the 6th floor. Every day I came, I would swipe my badge and jump into an elevator. The dream. I used to dream of working in a big building, riding up and down with people who were running mail to other floors, and meeting interesting men in suits. All of this was accomplished in a few short months.
I then proceeded down the sidewalk to the grounds. It was a site that I had neglected. I paused at the gates and watched as constructions was happening all around, but I could still feel that the spirit had not changed or moved like the cones and yellow tape were trying to force me to do.

I walked though the initial visitors center. It was full of people, apparently there was a tour happening that day. I stopped and read the statues name plates. Usually when I visit the grounds, there is snow covering everything. But this time there wasn't. I took the time to watch, to listen, to see. I was sad that I hadn't brought a coin to toss in the fountain, I am highly suspicious tha tit is good luck. I went out along the reflection pool, but stopped. Staring back though the gates, I saw a young girl standing in all white with her family surrounding her on the stairs. A wonderful day for a wedding. As my eyes wandered though the scene, I saw that there were several brides.
I then proceeded to walk onto temple grounds and found a bench under the shade of a tree to sit down by. I watched as girls got their wedding pictures taken, as two girls came out with their newly wed husband clutched in their arms. The smiles, tears, and radiance was touching.
There is a song that says, "All I want is to hold you forever. All I need is you more every day". That is my dream. I woudn't settle for a marriage outside the walls of the most holy place. I sat there on the bench, admiring dresses, admiring these girls, and critiquing the colors. But more than anything, I felt a little sad knowing that it was not my day, and that the day wouldn't be there too soon.

Some thoughts on the Fad

2009-11-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

So recently, I have been thinking about a conversation that my friend Emily and I had about Twilight. Yes, laugh all you would like, I am human, and I am female, so naturally I would be thinking about it.

The night after the movie, I went to my Psychology class, very tired and very drained. My little row of friends were buzzing with debate of which character was more lovable, which movie was better, and what not. It was then that this little comment spurred a whole week's worth of thought-

I live on the third floor and I find myself thinking about this every time I do the stairs. No matter the day, as soon as I hit the fifth stair, the sentence from Emily fills my ears...

"Her true love never should have left her".

All this time I have been an Edward fan, defending his jerk-like actions. I hated those who found Jacob's rugged handsomeness appealing. But it was on this day of debate, the 20th of November 2009, that I had this epiphany- this thought and instant parallel about what this media industry has done to me.

I love Edward. He left me. He abandoned me when I was finally comfortable and happy. This whole time, I have acted just like the little victim of the movie- I am Bella. How could a soon-to-be BYU Graduate fall into such a little trap. I spent the whole second book hating her helplessness... and then suddenly I was.

The worst part, is that I still believe Edward will come back.

When I watched that show my heart was shredded. It was the pain of months of loneliness all compiled into a lovely three hour sitting. It was the image of me... all the tears I spent crying on floors, not of a forest, but still just as desolate. It was all the fear and need, the desire to see him. It was the months of motionless pain, watching others live though the window. It was the desperation of finding ways to him- riding motorcycles, writing pointless emails and thinking of ways to get him to talk to me...

Emily was right, if he is a "true love", why would he ever leave her?! Why would Edward leave her alone to fend for herself? Is it to show Bella that she can do all things alone? Is it just simply to test her love? What is it that made him leave, was he just afraid and couldn't be there for her!

Very very dramatic and pathetic is my thinking. But I must say, Edward does come back. Bella just has to wait.

The media has built up a little girl hope again- The instill such false thoughts of what love is like. I grew up believing my life would be just like Cinderella's. I would work really hard and then one day it would just come to me, and I would wear a pretty dress and marry the handsome prince. Each chick flick is a joke!!! They teach women that love is out there and to keep looking. They teach that we are victims by our choice, but they don't show us how to escape it. It was so painful to see myself in such a helpless person. It was so painful to know that there is heartache like that in the world. The media gave me unrealistic expectations of love. I hate that I keep falling for them over and over. It makes me angry and makes me hate not just them but myself.

Edward comes back for Bella. And I believe he will come back for me.

Word of Wisdom

2009-10-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today in my Doctrine and Covenants class, I was listening to the discussion about the Word of Wisdom. It was so amazing as I had been having thoughts about that. I was very grateful to hear that there was no reason to not believe in this. We believe it can harm us, but it is hard to become determined to not drink. Brigham Young had a hard time letting go of Tobacco. He was always trying to stop- but he had a hard time and made the mistake over and over. He would commit to stop, and then would take it again. He was addicted.
The reason for the revelation was because he wanted us to know that the companies who produced these substances were going to conspire to get us addicted. I can't believe that we are so lucky to have been warned. We can hold to the words, trust in our Father. He has a plan. He knew it wouldn't be easy- even for our Prophets, but he knew we could do it with his help.
It is a testimony to me that we are all going to stumble. The fact is we just have to get on our feet and try to move forward again. Its not easy- but its so worth it.

Tummy Rumbles

2009-10-05T12:25:00.001-07:00

I was always a big Whinnie the Pooh watcher when I was younger. I now think back to the stomach rumbling that Pooh always seemed to have. I never experienced that as a child- my parents always made me eat my sandwich and dinner. Now when I am in a rush or doing other things, I often forget to feed myself. As I laid there reading this morning, my stomach would growl loudly. At one point, it sorta sounded like a dog. Now I am 4 hours later down the road, I had some water, but I am still really hungry. I think I will get some lunch after this class.

Music 101

2009-09-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

I have an exam for my Music 101 class. I have done hardly any reading. I have tried to do my listening, but my mind keeps wandering. And while I listen to this out dated Baroque music, I keep thinking these lyrics, "I want you to want me. I need you to need me.". Great writing. Simple to the point.
I'm left wondering what life holds in store. Three months are going to fly by- then I stand alone. Insurance and taxes, payments, and bills- all left to my care. Am I ready? I keep saying yes to myself, thinking that I will have to learn street smarts eventually. But then here I sit, not doing homework, thinking of other things.
Dido and Aeneas plays in the background- the music is forlorn and depressing. The story behind this little dramatic piece is about a man who promised love and marriage to a princess. This foreign prince leaving her, drove her to suicide. Ha, what's that saying about music to slit your wrists to? Well, here it is!
Well, maybe I will get one question right on the exam.
Until then, lets keep things bright and cheery- "I want you to want me", "Poka-dot it", "Tonight's gonna be a good night"- If the world was as simple as some lyrics suggest, there would never be a second coming.
Just a thought.

I will have to tell you about the rest of my musical journey tomorrow during a class I won't be paying attention in.

Scars

2009-09-23T09:58:00.001-07:00

Today while I was getting ready I was thinking a lot about scars.
What scars do for us, what they mean, what they are. I was looking at my life in terms of scarring. I have a friend who has a big scar on his knee- but part of that scar defines him. He got it at a beach.
I have a large and ugly scar on my foot- what it comes from, my drive for perfection. I had a mole there which they removed and it left a circle scar. Upon wanting to be more beautiful, I had them remove it. It left me with an uglier scar, long and purple. It defines me.
Each scar on me goes back to a story. It defines who I am to those who are looking in. I am simply accident prone, from the time I was learning to walk to age 21 tripping on my own high heels. It is a wonder that I am still in once piece.
As I was thinking about these outward scars however, I was thinking about the ones that are internal. We have all heard of scar tissue; but there is often something more. We all have battle wounds from loosing loved ones, being disappointed by events, and heartbreak from relationships. We are defined by these invisible scars. We are wounded and left with marks and flaws that we can mask. We as a society are often fighting to cover these marks. We don't talk about ourselves the way we should. Our internal scars prevent us from trusting. They stop us from loving again.
Once the door is open, it cannot be shut. We are trying to protect ourselves from further scarring. What a lonely world. As I think about it, I love my scars. I have a line on my forehead, it makes me look more pouty when I am just frumpy. I love the scars on my hands because it shows my work ethic. I love other people's scars because it tells you their story. It is a shame that we are all hiding scars. I would love to open my heart and show how many times it has been sewn shut again. It is damaged, yes, but there is a beautiful thing about a wounded heart. One that is mended is a beautiful thing.

Forever Tentative

2009-09-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

A theory is only useful for research. You don't have to accept a position as being final- you are there to criticize it and find what is wrong.
When someone suggest what you should believe, you are welcome to change your mind about what is proposed. So they say, you need to do this, yes, there is validity in their argument, but you ultimately have to make the choice.
Today while we discussed Psychology- I thought about the theories that were being proposed and the way that our culture has learned to think. We are often told what to think- that is after all what school is all about.
But as we talked, I thought how much things have changed. The world was flat, then the world was round. Did we evolve or did we just appear? Anaximander said that things change over time- he thought we came from Fish. Some say we evolved from monkeys. Basically time is nothing but change.
After discussing this thought with Dr. Burr this last week. I am convinced that we are unable to make a good choice. We cannot know what will change in the future. I picked a major and then the economy changed and now there are no job offerings at all. If you make a choice in trusting a person, you never know what they will change to. If you can live with the changes, good or bad- then you are capable to make the choice. We never know what to expect. We could start with everything and end with nothing, or start with nothing and find everything.
Life is a choice. Life is based on your choices and is largely affected by other's choices. We are capable of making only our own choices. Our world can be constant if we so choose, but there is no way to make sure that we are making choices that will keep our lives stable.
We are taught wrong. There is no good choice, there is only hope in the choice.
If none of this makes sense, I understand. But think about your life, you make the choices, but things act on us all the time. We cannot know what will come, we cannot stop what should stay away. The only way to be sure, is trusting in ourselves. We need to know ourselves, know our mind and desire- then your choice will be right and good.
My choices are final. My choices are resolved and unchanged. That is one thing about me- choosing to trust in me proves to show that I will try to change only when it suits me. I will do what is right and ignore all other changes. I move forward, not backward. The moves I make are my choice and are seen before they happen.

Change?

2009-08-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that some things never change. I was walking down the same hallway, thinking about Steve- just the same as last year. When I got to the window, I was shocked that there was no snow outside. Not even on the mountain tops- instead I was greeted by the warm colors of green and yellow. Nothing changed, only time passed. But the hall still smells the same, my phone still felt cold and lifeless in my hand. I was still waiting for a text. Nothing has changed, only time has passed.
Do you ever stop to wonder where the time has gone?
I spent a summer working with full intent of being prepared for what comes. To tell you the truth, I don't think things have changed.
I still see the same faces in the hall. The girls greet me the same as if we haven't missed five months in each other's lives. Each time they ask where my ring is, I melt a little inside. Instead, I smile and say- "things change", though I think that is a lie. Things don't change like that. I still love him. I would still put that ring on my finger and commit to a life.
This semester will change my life forever. At the end of this year- I will not return to these beloved halls. I will not be greeted by the same faces. This year, I grow another inch. I leave the familiar, and try to make it alone in the world.
I pretend to change. I merely stop talking is all. I don't change. I am constant like a river. I move and grow- but sometimes remain the same. I flow down stream, I sparkle in the sunshine, and I can count on others to make me full. I am like a river- I change, but I don't.
That makes no sense. But I guess that is because I still think of him often. I still glance at my hand to straighten the ring. I still wonder what I did. I still hope there is something I can do.
Things change, but not really. Not for permanent.

2009-08-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

During a day on the boat, I had some time to think and reflect on change expected in relationships.
You'll often hear people say that, you shouldn't have to change for the one you are meant to be with. However, as I sat there, I realized that those same people encourage give and take in those same relationships. What is the difference between changing and giving a little?
I spent the day with two of the three men in my life. My dad and younger brother.
My younger brother is the only boy in the family. He loves scout camps with the boat because he finally has someone to have tube wars with.
Well, after sitting in the sunshine for a bit- reflecting on this "change" theory- I realized that while I used to merely sit in the boat, it was time for a change. Mitch needed a friend, someone who could share a common interest- and so I changed.
In stead of sitting in the boat, enjoying the newly acquired color and reading my book- I got in the water.
I played water fights with a water gun that I could hardly hold it was so heavy, worked on wake-boarding, and had a tube war. I usually cringe at letting my face get wet. Not because of makeup- anymore, but because of a fear I have of drowning.
This trip on the boat was so different. I fell off the tube more times that I have ever in my history of boating. I am pretty sure my spine is broken and part of my leg and foot are snapped. I rolled over my tube, onto Mitch's and then back into the water. I have rope burns from our tubes crossing. I was dragged under the water when the tube flipped. The whole time, I realized that my fear of the face in the water thing was frivolous.
This is where my last little thought comes in.
We are encouraged to give and take in dating. We are encouraged to not change who we are. But when the situation arises, it is okay if WE make the choice to change. If we are meant to find those who will encourage us to be better- or find those who will add life and spontaneity- THEN WE MUST BE OPEN TO CHANGE.
Willing and voluntary change in relationships is "give and take".
When the change is forced- that is the change they encourage us to avoid.
I am willing to give a little of myself, of my definition of myself, if it is for the benefit of a relationship. I can learn to like new things, I can try new things, I can be who I am while developing a little at the same time. We are meant to progress- and that is the goal at hand. I am moving toward my life- Now I just need him to meet me there.

A Reception

2009-08-07T18:16:00.001-07:00

Tonight I went my friend’s wedding reception. As I stood there in line to sign their book, I watched across the room as they radiated light. I watched them; they clearly loved each other as the chatted with their guests passing though the lines. I sat there just struck by a jealously- during this I saw him reach over to feel for her hand. Her white puffy dress had her hands lost in the fabric- but somehow, they found each other. They held hands tightly- an unspoken little symbol of love. My heart ached a little at the sight; it broke a little when I realized my hands were empty. Yes, I was holding my keys and a gift- but where was my happily ever after? At some point in life, we all get to stand there and wonder. I will have a joy for at least four more times in the next coming weeks. I always thought by this point- I would have a hand and a ring. But in any case, I send my warm thoughts and heartfelt condolences to those aching single hearts. I know nothing takes the pain, but maybe for a instance, your heart will feel the warmth of my love. One day I will be married- one day I will stand there in a white dress among friends and family- there will be a glow around him and me. That is day I dream of, that is the day I think I will be the most complete. Yes, that is not the end of the book- there are many more chapters to write; but I want a hand, a man, and a love for eternity. (Its not far, but its always a few inches out of reach)

Kissed by a Rose

2009-08-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we work for nothing it seems. Our daily slaving over a computer goes unnoticed it seems. There are moments where you put in lots of time and effort on the behalf of one person, but they take what you’ve done and just leave. It leaves you wondering often times if your work is really appreciated.
Today in the middle of a very insane work day- I had the confirmation that my work does make a difference. Let me fully paint this picture. I work in an office at the front desk. I take care of the office, coordinate schedules, and help customers who come in to pick up orders. On an average day, we do between 40-60 orders. On the busiest days, I fill about 100-120 orders. Today however, I processed and filled over 230 orders. Can I just tell you how much work and effort went into that? My hands alone could not do the job. I was given lots of assistance, but the work seemed to just overwhelm us. We worked for the entire ten-hour workday non-stop. I hardly had time to sit down.
In the middle of this hectic day- amidst my little eyes bursting into tears from the strain and stress- one of the IPC’s brought me a pink rose. I stopped for maybe 20 seconds to hold this little flower in my hands and smell the sweet aroma. It was a sweet reminder that all my work, all my sweat, all my tears, and all the hours I put in are all for something. This little act was enough to let me know that I was important.
I had forgotten how much such a sweet gesture could mean. I have to just say thank you. Thank you to her for lifting my spirits today. And I am going to make an effort to thank those who do work for me. We all need to lift those around us as we all work and serve in our daily efforts. Little things can make a really big difference in the lives around us.

Blown out of the water

2009-08-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

So tonight was one of the most amazing boating trips! I went out and met my friends at the lake. They threw me in their truck and took me out onto the harbor. We got into the lake, and it was bound to be a good night. The waves weren't too high, but there was enough that it reminded me of the gentle rock of the ocean.
We took off and crossed the water- it feels so good with the wind in my face. I watched as they took turns wake boarding. Then I hopped out and swam for a bit. We raced out- I was impressed with how strong my muscles still were. I can't wait to learn how to surf.
Then they threw the tubes out into the lake. I got back in the boat for a bit. I was not going to get out until this really muscular guy called me chicken. So tube wars between me and him... His rippling muscles and my lack! It was not going to happen! But I put up a fair fight. I did get thrown off once. My bruises were so intense by the time I got back in. I had drank over half the lake, the other half was in my eyes. But all in all it was so fun. I did manage to dip the face into the water and had to get back on the tube after it was sunk like the Titanic. We drove into the harbor. He and I laughed when our tubes would bump the other and send the other flying. I loved it. It was a great break.
When we got back in the boat- there was a grasshopper. We decided that a bird must have dropped it's dinner. So we named him Teddy and took him to the harbor to free him. I screamed a few times when he jumped out of their hands. It was gross and I hate bugs!
I love the lake. More so I love water. I was having a great time. I hope they go again on Saturday- I want to get back out there.

12 Rounds

2009-08-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

This evening I was given the choice between three movies- since I planning on spending the night alone, I ruled out the two horror films and picked 12 Rounds. I am usually really into those kind of movies- but this was a whole new level of good. There were a few parts that I wanted to re-write, but overall I was so impressed. I am not sure if it was the main character's rippling muscles that kept me enthralled or if it was the constant bombs and death.

When it started I kinda rolled my eyes- the typical man thinking his life is more important than the women he has chosen- but throughout the movie, my opinion was changed. And it all started with his caring for the dog. Yes, this ugly little pug- but because it was "theirs" he loved it. The house blows up in the first 20 minuets, but fortunately the dog survives and its the first one he sets into protection.
The rest of the movies follows though the events of the day and the twelve rounds set forth by a criminal escaped from prison. The writers were ingenious- I haven't seen anything written with as much unique perspective in a long time. This comes from a chick who spent the the night watching the Bourne series a few days ago. I just enjoy the fact that not all "dramatic" movies are predictable. While when you watch a chick flick you sit and wonder if they will ever get together- but secretly know that they will, or box office sells would have it kicked out of the theater two days after it opened. But these movies- the good guys die, the best friends don't always stick around, not everything works out right and sometimes there has to be a plan two, and the people suffer.
The only things that got on my nerves in this movie was 1. the best friend doesn't make it 2. the girl kept screaming his name in the Helicopter... I mean, shut it, he is working on something else and 3. When he slid down the rope, the friction would have pretty much cut his hands in half.... Other than that I loved it.
I would recommend it to any one with a free couple of hours! It is one that I think I would own, and that is saying something. As for what I am taking away from it, I will now proceed to wander though life looking for a stud like this- a man that would put his life on the line and play though 12 rounds to make sure that I was okay. While I worry that this type of guy is only a figment created by Hollywood- I have to believe that because that is what I want that he is out there.

A Sweet Escape

2009-07-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

So this summer has been full of twists and turns. I haven't enjoyed them all, but we make the best of everything and eventually good things come around. I was thrilled when I found out that San Fransisco was in the mix for choices for Family Vacations. I jumped at the chance to do something new and see a new place. I had been making plans and dreaming of trolley car rides and beaches.
It wasn't exactly what I pictured in my head. We took off from SLC and headed there at night. I sat with Kinley and we chatted for most of the flight until she got sucked into a book. I casually flipped though a magazine while I waited for the decent to my dream home. As we landed, I was shocked at the cold air moving though the air port. We claimed the bags- mine were with us, since I carried on. We rode on the Air Tram though the airport to the Rental Car place. We got into our little Audi and cruised down the 101 to San Fran. Everyone was pretty much fast asleep- but I couldn't sleep- I just watched the water pass and the cars flurry around me. The Bay Bridge was a sight to behold- the construction made things difficult as well as the occasional left side of the freeway exit.
We arrived at the Hotel very late- or rather very early. It was about 1:30. We unloaded and the bellman took it up to our rooms. We all crashed. The bed was like a cloud. Soft and white. I have never felt so comfortable in my life. I was out like a light and thankful too. We awoke and got ready for a fun filled day.
The trip consisted of many fun little memories and activities.
We played at Fisherman's Wharf. It consisted of shopping, eating fish, wearing fish hats, using disgusting public restrooms, and lovely street vendors. I enjoyed every part of the day. We went up to the Ghirardelli Chocolate place- which used to be a factory. We bought our share of chocolates and snacked while we wandered the rest of the streets.
We went to Pier 39. This consisted of more shopping, mini doughnuts, looking at lots of art work, AN AMAZING SPEED BOAT TOUR THOUGH THE BAY, Hard Rock Cafe's amazing California Chicken Club, and being talked out of buying a truly adorable hoodie.
We walked the Golden Gate Bridge. I loved every second of the wind in my hair and the crash of the waves along the coast below. I enjoyed the laugh we all got from the suicide hot line numbers posted on the walls. The view was limited because of the fog.
One day was spent in pure shopping bliss. We had rode a Trolley Car across town and then you have to get off. The line to get back on was insane- so the boys hailed a taxi to pick up the car and the females trekked off on our own to get a little shopping done. I spent more than I should have- but the whole time I was in sheer bliss. I love little lace, light materials, whimsical looks. There is nothing better for the adventure that is waiting for me this year than this new wardrobe. I excitedly rejoined the family after this blissful trip.
The Cheesecake Factory was nearly a nightly routine. We would pick it up to go and take it to the hotel as we traded stories and memories from the day. It was so fun to be able to just sit and laugh with the people who love me regardless. The Pasta Marinara was no bueno at the Cheesecake Factory- that is my fair warning to all. I hated it. I ate half and wanted to throw the rest on the waitress' perfectly white attire.
We traveled out to a redwood forest. The trees were majestic and beautiful and the smell of them was heavenly. Mitch needed a hiking buddy and so we did the long uphill climb. I made it with only a minor blister. New shoes were not my greatest plan. The canyon to get there was nearly unbearable- the twists and turns were making me so sick.
There is a little gem of a town called Sausalito- the sun is shining and the breeze isn't nearly as cold. I loved the little place. The harbor is just across the street from the main little district. We sat at the sidewalk and watched the boats while we enjoyed fish and chips... and Subway Sandwiches.
The family attended Wicked. It is one of our favorites. We have now been on both sides of the country from NY to CA. I loved the music. It amazes me how each time you see it there is a new lesson to be learned. I sat and listed to the words and heard a different cry of pain in some of their words- new happiness in others. It is strange how time changes everything. We were part of the VIP lounge. We were invited in for a drink and snacks before and during intermission. Lines for the women's bathroom were more insane than usual. But I enjoyed our little sanctuary in the purple velvet room.
I am not sure what more to tell you about the trip. It was a wonderful break. It was everything I wanted and more. I have thus decided that part of my definition of me will come as I travel. I want to see the wonderful places this world has to offer- I am destined for great things, so I deserve to see things equally great. I can't wait for life to start. Just a few more months.

The Secret Clubhouse

2009-07-14T10:14:00.001-07:00

So when you were a kid, didn't you dream of a secret place where you could be alone? Have things all to yourself and everything was just the way you wanted? Well, my wish has finally come true. I now have my own secret lair, my hide out from the world. I go there and relax. I have fallen in love with little things in my new home.
The first few days, while moving in 100 degree weather, I learned to love the ceiling fan. I would come in and lay underneath it while I caught my breath. I would just relax and watch as the light danced around the room as the fan spun. It is a happy fan- just relaxing and soothing for me.
My first shower taught me a new love. I have never enjoyed showering at a new place as much as I did here. I loved my shower at Crestwood- that was one thing that I was very sad to leave. But this new one is a dream come true. Warm water all to myself. A very firm shot of that water though my hair and all over me. The shower room is deep tones and it makes for a very relaxing morning.
I love my kitchen! Its big enough for me to move around and cook as I see fit. It is just right for me- maybe a little tall, but that is why we have chairs.
I have furnished it like any girl would. Deep plum purple couches, a nice tall honey colored table, and saddle seat bar stools. I come there and it makes me happy.
When I sleep there, I feel safe. I know that it is mine.
My room may still be a bit of a disaster- with all the boxes and things to be put away. But none the less, there is room enough to move around. I am happy in my new home. I find new things to love all the time. I just wish that I could figure out what was missing.

Boxes and Taping

2009-07-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

So I am boxing up my life to move it across town. It is not my favorite project, it requires lots of time and hard work. Deciding to move to a third floor apartment wasn't my greatest plan, but I am dealing with it. I will enjoy the firm muscles later. I am really excited for the new place though- a chance to make new friends, a bigger pool, and lots of exciting new parts to my life. I think it just setting up all the boxes, taping them, and filling them that is causing me to rethink the move. It is better for me to just stay put- to be comfortable. But on the plus side, I think that I will be able to settle down here, for a good long time.
Adding to the stress of moving, I have been really sick. Yesterday I had a migraine and stomach discomfort all day! This makes moving much more difficult. I got though the day and made it to bed with only a small amount of difficulty. I woke up this morning to a disaster. My room would appear that a small bomb has gone off. I have boxed up my kitchen, my bookshelves, and many of my other things. My closet is unreachable as I have piled boxes and bags in front of it. It took a full size duffel to get all of my swimsuits in! If that doesn't paint the picture, then I don't know how else to tell you that I require a lot of boxes.
The furniture movers are coming to move the TV today as I cannot lift it myself and have no men in my life. The couches are also arriving at the new apartment- which is causing me a lot of little bubbles of hope. I am excited to have a place all done up and looking like a house. Lets just hope the roommate is normal.
Other than that, things have been just like a box; plain and made of brown crap. I am exhausted at the end of a day and wonder how I have made it this far. But I keep looking behind me and see how many hills and mountains I have hurdled. I am doing good. I can move ahead. I love those mountains and rolling hills- and lately I have fallen in love with a song by Miley, The Climb. "There's always going to be another mountain, I'm always going to want to make it move. There's always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm going to have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side. Its the climb."
I am pushing up those hills. I am trying to make it about the journey of self improvement. I think this new little apartment has been like a bouquet of fresh flowers- just what I needed to see that life isn't about the grueling tasks, but about the journey.

I am not that generation

2009-07-08T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am sitting at work smiling really big.
Not for a reason that you may think, but for the simple reason that people make me laugh. I already work for basically work for a bunch of Hippies, but here is the kick- I am listening to the conference that is going on behind me. They are teaching the office and IPC's how to Twitter.
They just went though it and here is my favorite direct quote. One woman raised her hand, "Now is it Twittering or Tweeting?" To which the lecture responded, "actually it is a verb, to tweet". I almost laughed out loud! Then they proceeded to define the difference between this and Facebook. I just don't know, but the whole thing was very funny!
I know it is rude to laugh, but it is clear evidence that we belong to very different generations. I Tweet, I facebook, I blog, and I have more than one email. It is amazing to me that this kind of knowledge just doesn't come standard.
But I just had to share, it made me smile!

The Beauty of Nature

2009-07-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

So today, I had some time to kill. I quickly took the chance to dash up the canyon and go for a quick hike/walk. It was so lovely. I had grabbed my camera in the off chance that I would need it, but found that the beauty in each step I took. Through the walk down a paved road, I kept thinking that I shouldn't be trekking off into the trees alone- but there was this calming breeze and the familiarity of an old friend holding my hand while we watched the water fall.
I sat for a bit and captured the moments- I hope that they come through as lovely here as they played in my mind.

New Words

2009-06-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Shibby:
Shibby can also be a word that is moulded to your own approval in appropriate situations.

DEFINITION ONE - Shibbying = partying
Shibby = wasted
Shibby = cool, great etc.

New Minds

2009-06-30T09:42:00.001-07:00

Today I was watching a baby play in my lobby. It is amazing to me to behold such angelic little creatures, everything is new and fresh to them. I watched as they played with their little carseat-mobile. The bright and reflective colors would catch their attention. She reached up and played with it for a bit, lost focus, but then when it glittered again she was entirely wrapped up in it. Oh to have the sweet mind of a child and look at the world with all of its potential to behold. Their bright eyes are open and want to see the world-

Bright and Sun-shiney Day

2009-06-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today the weather has really changed tracks. It is a beatuiful high 80's outside! I am incandescently happy about this! I have been waiting for the sun to come out and it was nearly in vain.
I went boating this weekend, it was so nice to be out in the warm sunshine. I even got out of the boat for a little cool down time. It was nice to splash around in the water for a bit. Alissa raced me around the boat twice- both times I won, and both times she cheated. But in my mind, how can you loose a race when you are wearing a freaking life jacket? Oh well. Then we hopped on the tube. That was fun, until Ali fell off. It was one of the worst things I have seen- Mitch was driving... We will leave it at that. She was crying when she got back on the tube- but we went again. A little bit into it, I was getting tired and my body was hurting so I just dropped off. They came back and I swam into the boat.
Funniest part of the trip? The only part of my body that got sunburned was my knees. Yes directly on my knee caps! It was funny and I still am laughing.
Then I pushed though the rest of the weekend furniture shopping and spending time with the family.

One Night and No Rest

2009-06-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

You know those nights where you toss and turn in your sheets. Nothing seems to make it better- more blankets, less blankets, more layers, no layers. There is no right way to lay. The pillow is too fluffy one second and too flat the next. What a stupid thing it is- Being so restless is hard on my body. I can't think straight- I can't stop thinking. I wonder about things, I catch myself playing what if.
But the worst part is, that my day was serene. I worked all day and attended night classes. I was relaxed and easy- what gives with the restless energy now? Why does it wait till I am trying to sleep.
None of this is made better by the constant opening and shutting of the front door- as roommates and friends cycle though. Yes, even at 2 in the morning. I wanted to get up and rip some one's eyes out when they used the ice dispenser in the fridge- ARE YOU SERIOUS!
I only got like 4 hours of sleep. I am so exhausted, but in spite of all of that, and the rain- it is a fairly smooth day. I hope it continues on so...

A nearly perfect evening

2009-06-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, while I was sitting in the family room, trying to muster up the desire to do my homework- my roommates and friends invited me out to dinner. I was in for it- it sounded really fun.
I knew that I needed to take off the little sun dress and put on something a little more sultry- so I threw on some skinny jeans, a pair of sky high heels, and a little grey jacket. I looked in the mirror and was actually really impressed. I don't get dressed up enough!
We got in the car, and decided to scratch the salad bar from Pizza Factor and went to P.F. Chang's instead. I love that place. But as holding with tradition, I allowed others to order, forcing me to try new things. We had Ginger Chicken and Broccoli. It wasn't that bad. We sat for a long time just talking, listening to stories and making small talk. The waiter, Todd, was so full of life. We at the little Shooter Deserts. I love that six bites of Strawberry Cheesecake. It was delicious. We split the bill and then went to the bathroom together. It was so fun to be out with the girls.
We then decided that we looked too good to just go home, so we moved to Target. One of us had some errands to run- and errands are always more fun with other people. We wandered around Target playing in all of the Movies and Candles. I grabbed stuff for school- Leah got her essentials, and Candace just laughed at us. We like it there.
Then Leah decided that once again, we were too dressed up to call it a night and decided to go get us some men. We took a trip for about two hours driving around looking for unsuspecting victims. Ha ha, yes, I called them victims- but if you saw the shoes you would agree.
I then knew in that instant that I can stand alone. It is okay to be alone. I will find someone who will stand next to me, but I will not have to lean on them always- and they won't have to on me. It was such a fun night. I was so tired by the time we got home. I practically crashed the moment I shut my eyes.
The last little bright spot before the day faded, was just a simple text. Sometimes that is all you need- to know that you are missed and thought of. To know that you were something, even if the tables have shifted.

These Four Walls

2009-06-24T16:19:00.001-07:00

When I get to work, I usually am counting till I get to leave. But when it gets about an hour away I start to dread going home. I know that it means time on my hands and homework that will be pleading to be done. I am so tired though that all I want to do is sleep on the couch.
I am not sure why this is.
I am grateful for the fact that my life is full of good people who are there to support me. I stayed up till 12 talking with a guy friend about the day and his new romance possibilities. It is funny that talking about puzzles and tacos can fill time happily.
I am finding joy in the journey- or at least attempting to do so. It never is really easy to ease back into old habits. But the thought that continues to return to my mind is that "...but I'm pretty". Its been months since I used that as an excuse. I don't know why I even stopped saying it. I miss the old me, the one who laughed and knew that everything was alright. Now I am at a point where I am trying to make my way down a muddy hill. There are many ways I could walk- but I am not sure which one will causes the least amount of falling. I am searching for a new apartment- but nothing seems to fit me. I keep thinking and rethinking and praying and asking, making phone calls, and praying some more. I am tired of the search, I just want the answer.
But I have faith that whichever path I choose now, will lead me to a hill that will start a new journey for me. I am excited for a new climb- a new hand to hold. I am excited for the life that I can make. I just am so confused what I am supposed to make.

Now What?

2009-06-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

Its an hour till quitting time...
I have spent the day playing on Facebook.
I have Twittered Twice and looked for new friends for a while.
Talked to Malia for a long time.
I have tried to blog a few times.
Stared off into space.
Spun in my chair for a few rounds, till I was sick
Ate some cookies.
Paced the office.
Talked to Rachael.
Put on some oil for my scars.
Texted my mom.
Checked airline times.
Looked for a good hotel by the beach.
Texted my dad.
Thought about gummy frogs.
Printed out my school schedule.
Printed out my map to the school.
Heard about Rach's dates.
Looked at my phone.
Talked to Colton.
Checked the clock-
Wandered the office again.
Watched Drew pack an order.
Talked to him about days off.
Texted Erica.
Still chatting with Rachael.
Finished my Dragonfruit Vitamin Water.
Wondered what a Dragonfruit was.
Thought about school.
Panic.
Stopped thinking about school.
Had friends to talk to, stopped writing the blog.

Long Beach

2009-06-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

So today while sitting at work, I decided that I don't get out enough. I then hopped on to Jet Blue and am going to fly to Long Beach-
I was discussing this with a former roommate. I said, i don't know what I would do if I went out of town. And then it hit me, all I want when I am here is to relax in the sun, so that is exactly what I am going to do.
I have thought this whole time that I am just a little kid- but then I looked at things, and obviously I am not. I am old enough to do this. I am excited for a little beach and sun shine. It will be a wonderful escape for a few days.
The beach... What a genius solution!

A thought on Fathers

2009-06-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

So today I spent a lot of time reflecting on what these great men in our lives really do for us. I had a few dreams about a friend of mine, who doesn't have a great relationship with his father. During this dream, I was speaking to the father, pleading that he call his son to say a few words that would change the world. "I love you".
When I woke, I realized what it was that I had that so many others didn't. I had someone who cared for me all this time. A man in my life who though sickness and sadness has stood at my side. He has allowed me plenty of room to grow, but then also given me the room to fall. When I fall, my dad is always there to reach out and hand and pull me back to my feet.
I have come to him so many times, listening to his council, seeking his wisdom, and asking for his help. He is always there, he is always willing. During a rather rough few months, he has given me council and offered to give me blessings. During these times, I have seen that I need a man who will stand next to Christ before he will stand with me. I need someone who is dedicated to the life and mission of this church before he does anything else.
Now before you mistake this as a bitter sentiment towards a man I do still love- this is not an attack on my ex-boyfriend. He was a very strong priesthood holder. I used to sit in his apartment while he went to give a blessing. I used to sit next to him and hold his hand during church. But for whatever reason, he was not the one that was meant for me.

My dad is a priesthood holder- a strong leader for our family. I know we are thankful for him- always. He is there to provide a link to a priesthood blessing, offer words of comfort, someone to laugh with. These last couple of days, we have taken him shopping with us, he always manages to do something funny. The other day, we were leaving the mall kinda late- everywhere had their gates down. As we passed Cold Stone, he grabbed the doors, and shook them. Mumbling something that sounded like a Hunchback. We laughed and moved away from him- there were lots of people staring at us. But for some reason, all those funny things just make me love him more.
I love Chinese food, so on Saturday's when it is my choice, I choose Chinese food places. We finished at this place called China Lilly- when it used to be down in the Riverwoods, and he put the Chinese container in between his fingers, stuck up his Pinky fingers, and started prancing down the street. Stopping a few feet ahead to instruct those also carrying the take out to do the same- as that was the only way to carry left overs. I hope my husband is also full of life.
My dad is humble and sincere. I have watched as he loves others without questions. He supports me and gives me everything I could need. He has taught me how to do things on my own- but is always there to fix things when the go wrong. He taught me how to ride my bike, how to climb a tree. He supported me at dance recitals, school dances, and all thins that went on. He loves me, that I am sure.
But what he does not know, is that I love him. I love him snoring on the couch, keeping me up for long hours, offering me tissues and telling me that there are better days ahead. I love him for loving me. I love him for being there, for knowing everything, for working on homework with me. Creating mousetrap cars, solar systems, and bug collections. He is the man I know I can always count on. He teaches me new things- gets me to get out of the boat, and won't let me back in until I get up on the wakeboard. He pays for Snowboarding lessons, tennis lessons, dancing, painting, and shopping a lot of the time. He is the one that I go to when I have a boo-boo. Today I cut myself with the heel from my church shoes. He had me seated and cleaned from the blood, and bandaged before I knew what hit me. I was thankful for him- for his help, for his love.
I have a lot. I know I do. I am thankful for him- for making this family. I am thankful for so many things and I know that he is behind it all.
So dad, thank you for being constant. I will find a man like you- who wants to love me forever. That I know I can do!

Bubble Bath or Hot Tub?

2009-06-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

Well here is how it happened. I was going to go hot tub with some friends, but I got distracted writing my church lesson. I was all set to go, but then when I saw the time, I knew there was no way. But I was all dressed in my suit- so I thought well I could always take a bubble bath.
I had gone running that morning for a little over 2 miles. I was tired and starting to get really sore. So I went in, turned on some hot water, filled it with my bubble bath from VS (given as a gift) and waited till it was uber full. I was so excited when I hopped in. I didn't even think that maybe I should remove the swim suit.
I was the best of both worlds. A private hot tub for my taking. In a clean bathroom that is only mine. It was the best part of any day. I never take baths- something very gross to me about them- but to my surprise, the suit make it a little more comfortable. I sat in there for an hour, just reading and soaking in a little bit of girl time.
Why would we ever give this up for a man?

New Plans

2009-06-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, I have decided that looking back only makes people motion sick. I am done being turned the wrong direction and have decided that I am setting some new goals for myself. After all, who could be more important than me?

So here we are:
1. Complete summer semester with flying colors- despite the long hours and the fact I am still going to be working.
2. Continue to learn about how to maintain long distance friendships- send regular care packages with Scooby Snacks.
3. Dedicate my life to the service of the one person who matters. He will take care of the rest if I just let him guide- I can follow pretty easy. I have learned that while dancing with men.
4. Attend my fall semester and graduate from BYU. Come back in the Spring to walk during commencement.
5. Find a job in another state. California is looking like a good choice- I am thinking Northern-ish... But either way, I think it will be lots of fun for a little while.
6. Complete my two unfinished scrapbooks. There isn't that much work to do... So lets just finish it already.
7. Serve in my calling and provide amazing lessons until I am released.
8. Get to know my Savior so well that there will never be a night that passes without reading my scriptures or saying my prayers.
9. Be responsible with my spending for the rest of the summer- and then when I have, I will take a trip some where in the world that I have been dying to see. I would love some real Italian shoes!

Thus far, I haven't figured out how to gage my progress, but I assume that things will take their natural course. It is werid to be untied, not having a lot of committment in my life, but lets be honest, I love it. Being tied to a boy that doesn't love you bites. So, I am happy again, just being who I am. I like to have time to spend alone, nights that I can go to bed early.

Went Silver

2009-06-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

So I got tired of the blue, picked it off and started again.
I choose Silver. I love silver. That is well known by family and friends who look at my shoe collection.... so I figured why not do the fingers too.
So there you have it... I am now silver. Feeling like the tin man more and more each day. My heart is so broken I feel it must be in millions of pieces... Do I even have it any more? I gave it away... I wonder where it is sitting...

My Fun Filled Evening

2009-06-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

So, last night, I was getting ready for a very slow night after work. The day had been really long- I was not a happy camper at work. So then, I got home, changed my clothes. Threw on a shirt that reminds me solely of him, and went to my dad's birthday dinner.
We met at OutBack Steakhouse. It was pretty good, I never can eat all of my food, so I just planned on saving half for lunch tomorrow. Unfortunately when it was time to leave, I forgot it. But that is besides the point. We enjoyed a fun meal and talked and laughed. I have not eaten so much in weeks!
Then we walked over to Pier One to play for a little bit. It was okay, but I was really sick from all the food. I excused myself before they went home for pie. I was on my way home, when I decided that Elena and I should have a movie night. So we watched the Moulin Rouge. It was amazing how much better I understood things- because I wasn't distracted by a heartbeat. I love that show. After it was over, I went home.
I have a new roomie that I am totally starting to love! Her name is Candice, she is such a sweet spitfire. She, Leah, and Alyssa stayed up till two in the morning. Then I crashed. I did manage to wake up for work though... But it was so nice. They believe like I do that time is all we need and things will come together again soon. I pray they are right!

Where is my Sunshine?

2009-06-10T16:17:00.001-07:00

How does the weather really affect your mood?
It went from nice pleasant weather- to a sudden down-pour.
I am not altogether convinced that I am not controlling it. Because it seems with almost certain guarantee that when I am sad or gloomy- the clouds roll in. I am getting heart ache pains and the rain starts coming down. Surely there are days when I am sad and there is sun... but I don't seem to recall them.
Here is what is bothering me. I am trying to find a way to re-route my brain. You know stop thinking of him... but I can't seem to do it. Every time I start a new thing, it just causes more pain. I can't wait to tell him about fishing or California rolls, but he isn't there to talk to. I find myself mad that I am doing things that he doesn't care to hear about.
I don't know what the cure is. I am trying to figure it out. But I am seriously thinking about taking some cake decorating classes, buying more paint and canvases, and getting into an institue class. I think the thing that hurts, is that he is supposed to be here. But I guess if he wants me to move ahead, this is the only way I can.
While it hurts, I think it is worth a shot. Maybe if I can find my way back to him, I will have a whole new set of stories to tell him.
Life sucks sometimes.

Story of my life

2009-06-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

So today I went to the bank. I had to get my oil changed, so Jiffy Lube said I had a few minutes and I was free to wander. I had cleaned out my purse from the last month and a half- and low and behold found 3 checks to deposit! It was a great suprise, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I took them to the bank, paid my credit card bill, and got things ready. So the story... at the bank. I waited in line, secretly picking out the cashier I was hoping to get. Now, don't take that the wrong way, I analyze who is the cutest and hope I don't get them.
Silly? No. After dating someone seriously, I would try to avoid putting myself in a position where I could flirt. So my turn came and the nerdy one was open. I was very thankful. I walked over and he started a casual conversation. Asked how my week was going. My eyes filled with tears, and I managed to choke them back and say fine. He questioned further and I had to think of something to say. Rather than cry about my broken heart, I told him that I didn't like working full time in the summer. I usually only work part time. It was so pretty outside today that I was sad to be missing out on some glorious rays of light.
He ended up being really nice and I was glad I had talked to him. But the whole time, inside that ill lit bank, I could only think of Him. The man that got away. He used to work as a teller. I imagined him helping others, flirting with the single girls depositing money into their savings accounts. I smiled- He is a beautiful memory.

{A Personal Note}

2009-06-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Watching the Notebook is a freaking bad idea!!!

Finding something else to do, keeping my mind busy and hands moving. It is going to be okay.

Arby's Drive Through

2009-06-08T14:02:00.001-07:00

So today, I was in all kinds of panic. My heart was all fluttery and it hurt. I was trying to chill out and find something to calm me down. I had to take a new portfolio over to the Internship office, because they lost my first one. I didn't have time, I only get an hour long lunch break! I was so panicked about that. I was missing the boy like crazy, wishing that would stop- cause that is the worst pain of them all.
Well, I decided that I needed to grab some food. So I stopped at Arby's- waiting in the drive through. Thinking it was stupid for the car in front of me to not pull forward, when it was finally my turn. But I got up there and got my food- the very manly, not fag-like; and he says, "Your car is just adorable". I was floored, where the heck did that come from? The only response I had was "Thank you." and then I hit my gas and sped off. It made me feel weird. I wanted to text it to someone, but the person I wanted to was unavailable.
Oh yeah, and I am out of gas. I haven't had my oil changed in months. I am super stressed about that. And I drank a Dr. Pepper today. I could have just said no, but I was so thirsty. Oh well, I will do some running tonight and take off those few pounds.
Other than that, that is my day. I have big plans to run to Target after work and pick up a few things, maybe than I will go get gas and change my oil. So great day? No. Okay day? Yes. And it is the okay things about it that I will settle for.

I FISH!

2009-06-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

So one day, my old high school friend invited me to go fishing. When he first proposed the idea, I told him "No!". But after some thinking, I realized that there was nothing wrong with it, so long as we didn't kill Nemo. So I told him we could go. We drove up the canyon, and I was more sick than I have been in a long time. I was trying to sit up straight and look out the window. He let me chat the whole way up, thinking about relationships and what not. I was relieved when we finally got to the resevior.

We got out and unloaded the little tackle box and the fishing pole. Colton quickly tied the flies on, whcih started off as a spinner. We were just dragging in moss. So we put on a bobber. It helped sort of... So we kept at it for a little, then we added cheese. That did nothing! Colton was sad we didn't get worms, and quite frankly I think that is gross. So we then proceeded to try to catch the fishies... To no avail.

We moved up the lake, that didn't help. We tied on a fly, that did absolutely nothing. We had a good time though. Just sitting at the edge of the water, enjoying the company of a friend that I have missed for two years. It is amazing how things may change, we may get seperated for a time, but true friends will always fall back in sync. I was happy to have his company. We followed the fishing with a shake and playing some games on the Wii. It was an okay night! I had a good time, he had a good time, and no fish were harmed.

California Rolls

2009-06-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

As keeping with tradition, I am trying new things. I usually don't like fishy things, but I wondered if I would react to imitation crab. So we gave it a shot. I made my very first set of Sushi rolls, and while they were not beautiful, it was lots of fun!

During the end of our working day, we started to get really hungry, so we started talking dinner. Soon it was made into a plan to have a sushi night. Malia was in charge of the rice- and it was amazing. Her family is well versed in Japanese food, so it was all out. Made in a Japanese rice cooker, covered in a vinegar sauce to make it shiny- it was all perfect.

I helped slice the vegetables. I ate more of the avocado than we put in the rolls, but it was so good that I couldn't stop! It was really hard to get the cucumber sliced thin enough, but it was all okay, because by the time the California rolls are made, you don't even know what is in there.

By the time that we actually had the food ready, we had all snacked so much that we weren't really hungry. A pinch of rice stolen here, eat a spoon full of avocado there, and the other girls were making free standing rolls. Elena put a little dab of rice on her cutting board, covered it with a clump of avocado and some crab- smashed it together and ate it. It made me laugh.

We also made pot stickers/Gyoza that we ate super fast. I tried the soy and Wasabi. I LOVED IT.

All over it was a fun night of firsts for me. I don't mind trying new things, I just need to be given the chance to learn.

The Blues

2009-05-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

It seems quite fitting that my younger sister insisted on painting my

fingernails blue. I have been down and gloomy. But for some odd reason, this blue just isn't the same as all the others... It has a bright and cheery nature. It is almost screaming- "Talk to me, I must be crazy!" It is the blue of the endless beach's ocean. It is the bright happy blue of a little bird I remember from so many story books. It is like a clear day- a perfect day for a hike. It is the same blue in a beach ball. The image of boating and lots of sunscreen containers. It is a blue that makes you feel electrified and energized. These are my newest quick fixes. In addition to my wild fingernails- she also did the toenails. I just smile. It is a great brightening factor to my days! There is no way that the next few days will see any sort of closed toe shoe! (except for the daily morning run).

Trying Out Some New Movies

2009-05-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

I am currently suffering from a sleeping disorder, called, Lacie can't sleep past 6:15 AM. So I wake up with nothing to do having no homework and nothing to take home from work. My newest resolve was to watch movies. The constant flow of different thoughts allows me to stay "numb", if you will.

So I watched a few new movies today.

First was Panic Room. I enjoyed it for the most part. It is about a mother and a daughter who lock themselves in a Panic Room during a break in of their home. It is the actress who plays in Twilight (Kristen Stewart)- she plays the daughter with health condition. She experiences hourly low blood sugar conflicts. She provides the drama as she is constantly getting faint and passing out. The mother, Jodie Foster, tries to get in and out of the panic room to collect things for her daughter to eat, getting cell phones, and various other tasks. It is full of momentary disappointments as they get a cell phone inside only to find they have no service. Overall I thought it was vastly entertaining- there are moments where I felt it was poorly written. But I imagine that it would be difficult to be locked into a Panic

Room- I know it would be the death of me, but I was impressed.

Next, I gave Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a try. I figured it wouldn't be too bad. I had been watching their morning cartoons for a few days, so how bad could the movie be. But that was the wrong thing to think. I am curious and lost about several factors. First, why is their dad a giant rat? Is he a creator or did he just take them in? Who in heavens name designed their retarded shaped swords? It was very difficult to make it though and I must confess I got up several times to walk off. It was long and immature- definitely not made for my age range. I suppose that is why I didn't see it when it was in theaters. That is about all I have it sat about that- and Raphael is a baby.

Blocked

2009-05-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a little story about technology.
On Tuesday night, my apt was chosen for Ward Visits. Previously that day, I had read an article by Elder Bednar about the use of Technology and the society we live in. I made a comment about this article during the visit. We discussed the dependence that many have on our Cell phones, Blogs, Twitter, and Facebook.

I will be the first to admit that if you take my phone away, I will have a convulsion and pass out. But until recently I didn't realize how much I depended on it. Not in the way that so many others do... I need it to keep me happy. I use technology to connect to people, but not just to be connected- but to make me happy. I needed him there....

We hear about our Generation as needing constant entertainment- and guess what folks, it's true! I use my phone all though the day so that I have no "free" time on my hands. But now I have hit a new brick wall- one I don't quite know how to climb- I have plenty of free time to myself now! And the worst part is that I hate it. I need this link- I am so dependant on this ability to chat and be there with the person where ever they are, that not texting my friend during the day causes my heart to feel like it is on fire. I constantly think of things to say, but then have to shut it out. I have to try to find other people to tell. But sadly, they are not him, they don't respond like him. They don't laugh like him or tell me how adorable I am... And that makes getting over this even harder.

Well, this isn't even the worst part! After all of the cell phone deprivation, I am now facing a new technological mess. Being blocked. In the rage of a fight, I was dropped from a"friendship" on Facebook and MSN chatting. Heartbreak doesn't really describe the emotion one feels when they are rejected like this. It is like a bee sting all over my body in waves so intense that I can't do anything else.

If you have not yet, I would highly recommend watching "He's Just Not That Into You". Drew Berrymore has a brilliant line in there as she too is facing rejection from technology. This leads one to wonder, why has society allowed us to really feel emotion about this?

To go back to my original thought- we aren't really rejected via these devices unless we choose to view it that way. Our dependency can either cripple us or be a tool for good. If we allow our world, to teach us that being rejected on Facebook matters- or being blocked on MSN messenger is a sign of what kind of person we are- than we allow for a greater battle to rage on. But this battle is an internal one- a fire that only we can personally put out. I know that I am playing the victim- but it is hard for me to understand it all. How can we be so heartbroken over something that is virtual?

My final conclusion is this. Hold tight till the worst is over. Then fall to the ground and pray it never happens again. Like being caught in the waves of the ocean- the tide is pulling you back while the water continues to come down- hold your breath, grit your teeth, and pray that air will come soon. Until then, my blue face is a new trend- I will find my way back.