A day on Temple Square

One very chilly summer day, I decided to take a Saturday to myself and go up to Salt Lake. I figured I had nothing else going on. So my first stop was Gray Whale, I found a few new CDs to listen to while I drove, and then I headed for the freeway.
As I sped up the road, I thought about all the times I had driven that road before. All the times that I had raced past the world in a hurry to get to where I was going. Originally, I wasn't sure if I was going to spend the day shopping at the Gateway or if I would just walk the grounds... But it became clear as I drove that is what I needed. I pulled into the familiar parking garage that I had used three times a week while I worked up there. I parked in my usual spot and hopped out of the car. I grabbed my plastic cards and a camera. Then I was off and walking. I hadn't really been in Downtown since the end of my internship. I stopped and looked at the building from across the street-

I worked on the 6th floor. Every day I came, I would swipe my badge and jump into an elevator. The dream. I used to dream of working in a big building, riding up and down with people who were running mail to other floors, and meeting interesting men in suits. All of this was accomplished in a few short months.
I then proceeded down the sidewalk to the grounds. It was a site that I had neglected. I paused at the gates and watched as constructions was happening all around, but I could still feel that the spirit had not changed or moved like the cones and yellow tape were trying to force me to do.

I walked though the initial visitors center. It was full of people, apparently there was a tour happening that day. I stopped and read the statues name plates. Usually when I visit the grounds, there is snow covering everything. But this time there wasn't. I took the time to watch, to listen, to see. I was sad that I hadn't brought a coin to toss in the fountain, I am highly suspicious tha tit is good luck. I went out along the reflection pool, but stopped. Staring back though the gates, I saw a young girl standing in all white with her family surrounding her on the stairs. A wonderful day for a wedding. As my eyes wandered though the scene, I saw that there were several brides.
I then proceeded to walk onto temple grounds and found a bench under the shade of a tree to sit down by. I watched as girls got their wedding pictures taken, as two girls came out with their newly wed husband clutched in their arms. The smiles, tears, and radiance was touching.
There is a song that says, "All I want is to hold you forever. All I need is you more every day". That is my dream. I woudn't settle for a marriage outside the walls of the most holy place. I sat there on the bench, admiring dresses, admiring these girls, and critiquing the colors. But more than anything, I felt a little sad knowing that it was not my day, and that the day wouldn't be there too soon.

Some thoughts on the Fad

So recently, I have been thinking about a conversation that my friend Emily and I had about Twilight. Yes, laugh all you would like, I am human, and I am female, so naturally I would be thinking about it.

The night after the movie, I went to my Psychology class, very tired and very drained. My little row of friends were buzzing with debate of which character was more lovable, which movie was better, and what not. It was then that this little comment spurred a whole week's worth of thought-

I live on the third floor and I find myself thinking about this every time I do the stairs. No matter the day, as soon as I hit the fifth stair, the sentence from Emily fills my ears...

"Her true love never should have left her".

All this time I have been an Edward fan, defending his jerk-like actions. I hated those who found Jacob's rugged handsomeness appealing. But it was on this day of debate, the 20th of November 2009, that I had this epiphany- this thought and instant parallel about what this media industry has done to me.

I love Edward. He left me. He abandoned me when I was finally comfortable and happy. This whole time, I have acted just like the little victim of the movie- I am Bella. How could a soon-to-be BYU Graduate fall into such a little trap. I spent the whole second book hating her helplessness... and then suddenly I was.

The worst part, is that I still believe Edward will come back.

When I watched that show my heart was shredded. It was the pain of months of loneliness all compiled into a lovely three hour sitting. It was the image of me... all the tears I spent crying on floors, not of a forest, but still just as desolate. It was all the fear and need, the desire to see him. It was the months of motionless pain, watching others live though the window. It was the desperation of finding ways to him- riding motorcycles, writing pointless emails and thinking of ways to get him to talk to me...

Emily was right, if he is a "true love", why would he ever leave her?! Why would Edward leave her alone to fend for herself? Is it to show Bella that she can do all things alone? Is it just simply to test her love? What is it that made him leave, was he just afraid and couldn't be there for her!

Very very dramatic and pathetic is my thinking. But I must say, Edward does come back. Bella just has to wait.

The media has built up a little girl hope again- The instill such false thoughts of what love is like. I grew up believing my life would be just like Cinderella's. I would work really hard and then one day it would just come to me, and I would wear a pretty dress and marry the handsome prince. Each chick flick is a joke!!! They teach women that love is out there and to keep looking. They teach that we are victims by our choice, but they don't show us how to escape it. It was so painful to see myself in such a helpless person. It was so painful to know that there is heartache like that in the world. The media gave me unrealistic expectations of love. I hate that I keep falling for them over and over. It makes me angry and makes me hate not just them but myself.

Edward comes back for Bella. And I believe he will come back for me.

Word of Wisdom

Today in my Doctrine and Covenants class, I was listening to the discussion about the Word of Wisdom. It was so amazing as I had been having thoughts about that. I was very grateful to hear that there was no reason to not believe in this. We believe it can harm us, but it is hard to become determined to not drink. Brigham Young had a hard time letting go of Tobacco. He was always trying to stop- but he had a hard time and made the mistake over and over. He would commit to stop, and then would take it again. He was addicted.
The reason for the revelation was because he wanted us to know that the companies who produced these substances were going to conspire to get us addicted. I can't believe that we are so lucky to have been warned. We can hold to the words, trust in our Father. He has a plan. He knew it wouldn't be easy- even for our Prophets, but he knew we could do it with his help.
It is a testimony to me that we are all going to stumble. The fact is we just have to get on our feet and try to move forward again. Its not easy- but its so worth it.

Tummy Rumbles

I was always a big Whinnie the Pooh watcher when I was younger. I now think back to the stomach rumbling that Pooh always seemed to have. I never experienced that as a child- my parents always made me eat my sandwich and dinner. Now when I am in a rush or doing other things, I often forget to feed myself. As I laid there reading this morning, my stomach would growl loudly. At one point, it sorta sounded like a dog. Now I am 4 hours later down the road, I had some water, but I am still really hungry. I think I will get some lunch after this class.

Music 101

I have an exam for my Music 101 class. I have done hardly any reading. I have tried to do my listening, but my mind keeps wandering. And while I listen to this out dated Baroque music, I keep thinking these lyrics, "I want you to want me. I need you to need me.". Great writing. Simple to the point.
I'm left wondering what life holds in store. Three months are going to fly by- then I stand alone. Insurance and taxes, payments, and bills- all left to my care. Am I ready? I keep saying yes to myself, thinking that I will have to learn street smarts eventually. But then here I sit, not doing homework, thinking of other things.
Dido and Aeneas plays in the background- the music is forlorn and depressing. The story behind this little dramatic piece is about a man who promised love and marriage to a princess. This foreign prince leaving her, drove her to suicide. Ha, what's that saying about music to slit your wrists to? Well, here it is!
Well, maybe I will get one question right on the exam.
Until then, lets keep things bright and cheery- "I want you to want me", "Poka-dot it", "Tonight's gonna be a good night"- If the world was as simple as some lyrics suggest, there would never be a second coming.
Just a thought.

I will have to tell you about the rest of my musical journey tomorrow during a class I won't be paying attention in.

Scars

Today while I was getting ready I was thinking a lot about scars.
What scars do for us, what they mean, what they are. I was looking at my life in terms of scarring. I have a friend who has a big scar on his knee- but part of that scar defines him. He got it at a beach.
I have a large and ugly scar on my foot- what it comes from, my drive for perfection. I had a mole there which they removed and it left a circle scar. Upon wanting to be more beautiful, I had them remove it. It left me with an uglier scar, long and purple. It defines me.
Each scar on me goes back to a story. It defines who I am to those who are looking in. I am simply accident prone, from the time I was learning to walk to age 21 tripping on my own high heels. It is a wonder that I am still in once piece.
As I was thinking about these outward scars however, I was thinking about the ones that are internal. We have all heard of scar tissue; but there is often something more. We all have battle wounds from loosing loved ones, being disappointed by events, and heartbreak from relationships. We are defined by these invisible scars. We are wounded and left with marks and flaws that we can mask. We as a society are often fighting to cover these marks. We don't talk about ourselves the way we should. Our internal scars prevent us from trusting. They stop us from loving again.
Once the door is open, it cannot be shut. We are trying to protect ourselves from further scarring. What a lonely world. As I think about it, I love my scars. I have a line on my forehead, it makes me look more pouty when I am just frumpy. I love the scars on my hands because it shows my work ethic. I love other people's scars because it tells you their story. It is a shame that we are all hiding scars. I would love to open my heart and show how many times it has been sewn shut again. It is damaged, yes, but there is a beautiful thing about a wounded heart. One that is mended is a beautiful thing.

Forever Tentative

A theory is only useful for research. You don't have to accept a position as being final- you are there to criticize it and find what is wrong.
When someone suggest what you should believe, you are welcome to change your mind about what is proposed. So they say, you need to do this, yes, there is validity in their argument, but you ultimately have to make the choice.
Today while we discussed Psychology- I thought about the theories that were being proposed and the way that our culture has learned to think. We are often told what to think- that is after all what school is all about.
But as we talked, I thought how much things have changed. The world was flat, then the world was round. Did we evolve or did we just appear? Anaximander said that things change over time- he thought we came from Fish. Some say we evolved from monkeys. Basically time is nothing but change.
After discussing this thought with Dr. Burr this last week. I am convinced that we are unable to make a good choice. We cannot know what will change in the future. I picked a major and then the economy changed and now there are no job offerings at all. If you make a choice in trusting a person, you never know what they will change to. If you can live with the changes, good or bad- then you are capable to make the choice. We never know what to expect. We could start with everything and end with nothing, or start with nothing and find everything.
Life is a choice. Life is based on your choices and is largely affected by other's choices. We are capable of making only our own choices. Our world can be constant if we so choose, but there is no way to make sure that we are making choices that will keep our lives stable.
We are taught wrong. There is no good choice, there is only hope in the choice.
If none of this makes sense, I understand. But think about your life, you make the choices, but things act on us all the time. We cannot know what will come, we cannot stop what should stay away. The only way to be sure, is trusting in ourselves. We need to know ourselves, know our mind and desire- then your choice will be right and good.
My choices are final. My choices are resolved and unchanged. That is one thing about me- choosing to trust in me proves to show that I will try to change only when it suits me. I will do what is right and ignore all other changes. I move forward, not backward. The moves I make are my choice and are seen before they happen.