Mr. Pete Christensen

Tonight, I want to talk about something that is dear to my heart. I have been thinking things over many nights and days- and I feel like it is appropriate for me to share some thoughts about my Grandpa. He has been very sick for the past several months. I have been there for countless hours at his bedside or hospital bed. For some reason, today I kept having the thought that I needed to write down the memories as they poured from my head. I had spent a lifetime knowing and loving this man- and I needed to find a way to record his memory forever.

Last night, I sat with him. Each week, I go over at the same time to be with him so my grandma has some help. We usually work on getting him ready for bed. The hardest task is to get him to swallow his pills. He often throws them back up- that was when I realized I was ready to be a mom. I wasn't grossed out enough to stop helping, rather I was more worried about him. The tasks hardest for me is helping, I am so weak it seems. He can't hardly walk any more, so any sitting up, standing up, or just moving has to be supported by my little arms. I feel the muscles ache in my back as I strain to hold him still.

In any case, as I was there sitting with him, I flipped though an old book of pictures. I had almost forgotten what it looked like when he had a smile on his face. He used to laugh and joke with me, always wanting me to feel welcome down there. I remember we would visit in the summer time and he would go with my siblings out to the field to pick a fresh vegetable to eat. He would always tell us about his days growing up. His skin was always warm from the sun, tanned, and covered in freckles. There were many times I remember him having skin cancer- but that is because he loved the outdoors. I remember rows of corn and fresh peas. I remember sitting with him under the apple trees in the yard.

There was an old post, by his car, that we used as base during tag games. He helped me and my older sister find random things to do while the grown ups visited indoors. He was excited for me, when I found a rotted golf ball, that soon became a bouncy ball. I remember his yard, very green and cared for.

I remember going over there when he was working in the garage. I still remember that musty oil smell. When the kids played in the basement, he taught us how to play pool and work his old TV set.

His eyes are warm little green olives. He had a smile that was warm and full of laughter. His voice rang out in a deep song, he loved to sing. He would come attend birthday parties and I recall him and my other Grandpa singing as loud and off key as they could. His house was full of love and cookies. He always came to support me in whatever I did. I remember him being there for dance recitals, class plays, and graduation.

As time wore on, his body was wearing out. But he came to my college graduation dinner. I remember him being thrilled with how wonderful the deserts were. And at the end of the night, I remember how sweet his embrace was. He always gave warm hugs when it was time to leave and he laughed just like my dad. He always reminded me of my dad. Always made me think that surely all men were so sweet.

As time wears short, I want to remember the little things. As he grows older, it becomes much more difficult to speak He doesn't have full control of his body; but his mind is in perfect control. His eyes convey a sense of knowing. I have spoken to him and talked with him several weeks where I knew he understood. One particular day, I left feeling rather disheveled, he looked so fragile. I turned and said, "I love you grandpa"- simple words I uttered each time I saw him. But this time, he turned to me and his eyes held me still. I waited. After a few minutes of his eyes staying steady and focused, he said to me, "I love you too". It was mumbled and deep, but I knew what he said. I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze and left. I walked out to my car in tears.

Life is very precious gift. Family is even more so. I look at mine and realize how lucky I really am. I look at his life and all the things he taught me. I pray for his health and realize how selfish it is. But I know how crucial he was to me, and the many his life touched. He served two missions with my grandma- and I think the world is better for him being here. I think the world of him and hope the day never comes that he has left.

I love him.

Just Breathe

During the winter months, I find it hard to draw in a breath of frozen air. There is something about the way that it chills my lungs that I just detest. I have spent a few nights hiding behind my windows cowering from the cold weather. Last night, I stood outside in 9 degrees wondering what would possess my little mind to think that fresh air would do me good.

Today I have wondered why there is no solution. Why there is no cure. Why my heart beats so quickly and yet feels so slow. Time is dragging, could I really wait one more day.

Cheers for the next time and the next words.

Atonement

So today while I was re-reading a section from Preach My Gospel about the Atonement, I came across this amazing sentence that made my heart warm. It reads, "We will have a perfect, immortal body of flesh and bones that will never again be subject to disease, pain, or death". I have always made the connotation of pain with sickness, broken bones and such. But today I realized that it also included heartache. It included the little parts of your life that you look at and are shamed. It included the parts of this life that you wish you could forget-- it takes those feelings away.
As I read on, I realized that repentance is a huge part of life, it really is a "continuing" process. We must push forward in our life and try to make the best of the trials we are given. There are many from whom we can draw strength, and prayer is a huge part of that. We need to be asking for his help, or rather I do. I find myself making prayer a more regular part of my life as small bouts of heartburn set in. Life is what it is, there is a plan, and eternity is possible.

Moments of Strength

I have moments where I have a clear focus on the future. I want nothing more than to find someone to be sealed to for time and eternity. There are moments where the goal seems so close to my grasp. I want to build an eternal family, I want to be a wonderful wife and caring mother. I have friends on the sidelines who assure me I can- I look at them in moments of weakness when I feel like I will never get there. There is no doubt that I can do this; but I can't figure out how to make the world roll faster. To make my dreams come true.

Tonight while I miss him, I wrap my fingers around my scriptures. I pray for an answer to come out of the pages and make it easier. I keep hoping that after a sincere prayer, I will understand my path in life. But the fact is that I will recover in time, it won't be instant. I just can't imagine a life without that love I have in my heart, but I know that Heavenly Father is there to watch out for me. I keep asking for his help.

In moments of weakness, I find moments of strength. I will continue to pray for a better tomorrow. I know that day will come.

Pushing Laps

Round and round the world turns,
Watching and feeling.
More and more the stories go,
Hoping for help and understanding.

Signs point clear,
But the mess keeps coming.
Broken limbs on a pine tree,
Needles scattered on the floor.

Some days it is easy,
Breathing in and out again.
Today I watch the window,
Over and pass, under again.

Today I wonder.
Tomorrow a wish.
Live in my world,
Nothing shatters a hope of eternity.

HeartBurn

There is nothing more uncomfortable or more unsettling then the pain of a sinking heart. You know those moments where you feel like your heart, head, and surely your entire body must be burning? It isn't just because of spicy pizza... in fact it didn't have anything to do with what you ate. It was simply a thought caught in your mind, troubling your heart, and ripping apart your stomach. You sink into your seat, demanding your lungs to keep breathing. Its like being drown in an ocean of fire, the way it stings your throat and makes your head reel.

How can it hurt this bad when I know better? How can thoughts of later still linger after days? I keep pushing for solitude and silence, but still my heart beats against my chest. In hopes the pain will cease, I fill my mind with icy pictures that would chill my heart. The fact still remains, it burns and aches. There is a dull hollow area where a piece of my heart once was. I wonder how many pieces of this little muscle are scatter around the world.

I look up to the heavens and mutter eternity. I focus on this goal, but sometimes the distance is far and dark. There is no light at the end of the tunnel some moments, there is no peace from this burning heart. Walking forward into the dark, I hope to find a hand to hold and maybe help me though the rest.

Up Hill

At work, we started a competition of completing the whole month's work in the first two weeks. Genius? Maybe a little, if I can push hard in 14 days, then I can rest for the rest. I was smiling this morning when I found out I am in the lead with 30% done. I can hardly wait for the 15th of December to roll around. I just had to smile and think of a friend who completes 80 calls a day without breaking a sweat. It amazes me when I am pushing so hard to do 30.

Here is my wishes of luck on the job interview. I hope you get the promotion friend!