"Hold On Thy Way"

Tonight, I was sitting on my couch reflecting over life.  It has been quite a strange week.  I found out on Friday of the passing of a dear friend and former roommate, Emma.  

She was an angel here on earth and I was so grateful for her daily.  She helped with homework, always participated in scary movie nights, and was an inspiration of the standards we work to live.  She had a firm and unwavering testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and held those around her together.  She was there during some of the hardest times of my Freshman year of college, and I will never forget that.  From the Spiderman blankie to the day we all dressed in our Prom formals, Emma found such joy and happiness in life.  

Emma was a beautiful young woman, a mother to a sweet little 2 year old girl.  Eric and she were 7 months pregnant when she passed, she is now on the other side with him.  I know she will be missed by her family and all those who knew her.

As I was thinking about Emma, my mind was drawn to a CES Fireside that I had the opportunity to sing in.  The song was entitled "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee".  I turned on the YouTube version of the fireside to listen to the words and feel the calming spirit.  There was a lyrical measure that stood out to me tonight; 

"So hold on thy way, 

For I shall be with thee. 

And mine angels shall encircle thee. 

Doubt not what thou knowest, 

Fear not man, for he 

Cannot hurt thee." 

My thoughts lingered over this, pondering the meaning and how it applies to me in this world, where there is so much good and yet just as much evil and sadness.  I know that it is important for me to hold to the things I know, hold to the faith I have.  I will not doubt my feelings and faith, because I know there are angels watching over me, a Father ever mindful of me.  

For everything there is a purpose, and I choose to believe that.  I am searching for mine.  

Mr. Pete Christensen

Tonight, I want to talk about something that is dear to my heart. I have been thinking things over many nights and days- and I feel like it is appropriate for me to share some thoughts about my Grandpa. He has been very sick for the past several months. I have been there for countless hours at his bedside or hospital bed. For some reason, today I kept having the thought that I needed to write down the memories as they poured from my head. I had spent a lifetime knowing and loving this man- and I needed to find a way to record his memory forever.

Last night, I sat with him. Each week, I go over at the same time to be with him so my grandma has some help. We usually work on getting him ready for bed. The hardest task is to get him to swallow his pills. He often throws them back up- that was when I realized I was ready to be a mom. I wasn't grossed out enough to stop helping, rather I was more worried about him. The tasks hardest for me is helping, I am so weak it seems. He can't hardly walk any more, so any sitting up, standing up, or just moving has to be supported by my little arms. I feel the muscles ache in my back as I strain to hold him still.

In any case, as I was there sitting with him, I flipped though an old book of pictures. I had almost forgotten what it looked like when he had a smile on his face. He used to laugh and joke with me, always wanting me to feel welcome down there. I remember we would visit in the summer time and he would go with my siblings out to the field to pick a fresh vegetable to eat. He would always tell us about his days growing up. His skin was always warm from the sun, tanned, and covered in freckles. There were many times I remember him having skin cancer- but that is because he loved the outdoors. I remember rows of corn and fresh peas. I remember sitting with him under the apple trees in the yard.

There was an old post, by his car, that we used as base during tag games. He helped me and my older sister find random things to do while the grown ups visited indoors. He was excited for me, when I found a rotted golf ball, that soon became a bouncy ball. I remember his yard, very green and cared for.

I remember going over there when he was working in the garage. I still remember that musty oil smell. When the kids played in the basement, he taught us how to play pool and work his old TV set.

His eyes are warm little green olives. He had a smile that was warm and full of laughter. His voice rang out in a deep song, he loved to sing. He would come attend birthday parties and I recall him and my other Grandpa singing as loud and off key as they could. His house was full of love and cookies. He always came to support me in whatever I did. I remember him being there for dance recitals, class plays, and graduation.

As time wore on, his body was wearing out. But he came to my college graduation dinner. I remember him being thrilled with how wonderful the deserts were. And at the end of the night, I remember how sweet his embrace was. He always gave warm hugs when it was time to leave and he laughed just like my dad. He always reminded me of my dad. Always made me think that surely all men were so sweet.

As time wears short, I want to remember the little things. As he grows older, it becomes much more difficult to speak He doesn't have full control of his body; but his mind is in perfect control. His eyes convey a sense of knowing. I have spoken to him and talked with him several weeks where I knew he understood. One particular day, I left feeling rather disheveled, he looked so fragile. I turned and said, "I love you grandpa"- simple words I uttered each time I saw him. But this time, he turned to me and his eyes held me still. I waited. After a few minutes of his eyes staying steady and focused, he said to me, "I love you too". It was mumbled and deep, but I knew what he said. I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze and left. I walked out to my car in tears.

Life is very precious gift. Family is even more so. I look at mine and realize how lucky I really am. I look at his life and all the things he taught me. I pray for his health and realize how selfish it is. But I know how crucial he was to me, and the many his life touched. He served two missions with my grandma- and I think the world is better for him being here. I think the world of him and hope the day never comes that he has left.

I love him.

Atonement

So today while I was re-reading a section from Preach My Gospel about the Atonement, I came across this amazing sentence that made my heart warm. It reads, "We will have a perfect, immortal body of flesh and bones that will never again be subject to disease, pain, or death". I have always made the connotation of pain with sickness, broken bones and such. But today I realized that it also included heartache. It included the little parts of your life that you look at and are shamed. It included the parts of this life that you wish you could forget-- it takes those feelings away.
As I read on, I realized that repentance is a huge part of life, it really is a "continuing" process. We must push forward in our life and try to make the best of the trials we are given. There are many from whom we can draw strength, and prayer is a huge part of that. We need to be asking for his help, or rather I do. I find myself making prayer a more regular part of my life as small bouts of heartburn set in. Life is what it is, there is a plan, and eternity is possible.

Pushing Laps

Round and round the world turns,
Watching and feeling.
More and more the stories go,
Hoping for help and understanding.

Signs point clear,
But the mess keeps coming.
Broken limbs on a pine tree,
Needles scattered on the floor.

Some days it is easy,
Breathing in and out again.
Today I watch the window,
Over and pass, under again.

Today I wonder.
Tomorrow a wish.
Live in my world,
Nothing shatters a hope of eternity.

HeartBurn

There is nothing more uncomfortable or more unsettling then the pain of a sinking heart. You know those moments where you feel like your heart, head, and surely your entire body must be burning? It isn't just because of spicy pizza... in fact it didn't have anything to do with what you ate. It was simply a thought caught in your mind, troubling your heart, and ripping apart your stomach. You sink into your seat, demanding your lungs to keep breathing. Its like being drown in an ocean of fire, the way it stings your throat and makes your head reel.

How can it hurt this bad when I know better? How can thoughts of later still linger after days? I keep pushing for solitude and silence, but still my heart beats against my chest. In hopes the pain will cease, I fill my mind with icy pictures that would chill my heart. The fact still remains, it burns and aches. There is a dull hollow area where a piece of my heart once was. I wonder how many pieces of this little muscle are scatter around the world.

I look up to the heavens and mutter eternity. I focus on this goal, but sometimes the distance is far and dark. There is no light at the end of the tunnel some moments, there is no peace from this burning heart. Walking forward into the dark, I hope to find a hand to hold and maybe help me though the rest.

Up Hill

At work, we started a competition of completing the whole month's work in the first two weeks. Genius? Maybe a little, if I can push hard in 14 days, then I can rest for the rest. I was smiling this morning when I found out I am in the lead with 30% done. I can hardly wait for the 15th of December to roll around. I just had to smile and think of a friend who completes 80 calls a day without breaking a sweat. It amazes me when I am pushing so hard to do 30.

Here is my wishes of luck on the job interview. I hope you get the promotion friend!

Mountain Dew and Boats Ahoy

It was a long day of work. I have a lot of tasks moving at once and it was making it hard to accomplish anything. One definite downside to the whole female thing... is the fact that my mind can focus on more than one thing at a time. I was so grateful when one of my co-workers picked up my jacket and offered it to me. I quickly slipped my arms into the sleeves and sauntered over to the door following in their steps. We did laps around the building to keep our bodies warm; talking about the boat. I am not alone in the boat and I know that. There is something so great about the talks. Something that makes the rest of the day okay-ish. Today as I talked with him about the girl he loves, I started to tear up. When he turned and saw my moist eyes, he reached out and held me for a second. There was an understanding in his gaze and that was all that was said. We quickly moved onto caffeine to ease my work load. I quickly started marking tasks done and all that I needed was a few laps in the cold.

Some thing he said is right- If I focus on the little moments, the good things, and the many blessings in my life, everything that seems hard will fade to the background. I won't have to worry about my work, I won't have to worry where I stand; I will see the good and that will be enough. So for now, I am going to remember my blessings each day out loud.